Jokes

Here's the Jokes Page...

Where there are names indicating who supplied the joke, it is a credit to that person for supplying the joke and is not suggesting that the person named is the writer or creator of the joke supplied.

 

Got a joke for waynealton.com - send it to us and we'll put it in here and credit your name next to it (subject to approval).  LATEST ONES ARE UP HERE NOW


 

THE CAB DRIVER AND THE NUN

A cabbie picks up a Nun. The cab driver stares at her. She asks him why is he staring and he says: "I've always had a fantasy to kiss a Nun." She says: "I'll kiss you if you are single and Catholic." The cab driver says: "I'm both!" The Nun says: "pull in to an alley." The Nun then kisses him in a way that would make a hooker blush. Back in the cab, the driver starts crying. "I lied. I'm married and Jewish." The Nun replies: "That's ok. My name's Kevin and I'm going to a fancy dress party."

<Supplied by Richard Scott-McGall>

 

JAMAICA HAIR DAY

Tomorrow is Jamaican Hairstyle Day... I'm dreading it!

<Supplied by Richard Scott-McGall>

 

POO

My three-year-old girl asked me: "Where does poo come from?"
I was a little uncomfortable but decided to give her an honest explanation, so I said, "You just ate breakfast, yes?"
"Yes," she replied.
"Well, the food goes into our tummies and bodies take out all of the good stuff and then whatever is left over comes out of our bums when we go to the toilet and that is poo."
She looked a little perplexed and stared at me in stunned silence for a few seconds and asked, "And Tigger?"

<Supplied by Debbie Gray>

 

FREE SEX

A petrol station owner in Ireland was trying to increase his sales, so he put up a sign that read, 'Free Sex with Fill-Up.'

Paddy pulled in, filled his tank and asked for his free sex. The owner told him to pick a number from 1 to 10. If he guessed correctly, he would get his free sex.

Paddy guessed 8, and the proprietor said, 'You were close. The number was 7. Sorry. No sex this time.'

A week later, Paddy, along with his friend Mick, pulled in for another fill-up. Again he asked for his free sex. The proprietor again gave him the same story and asked him to guess the correct number. Paddy guessed 2. The proprietor said, 'Sorry, it was 3. You were close, but no free sex this time.'

As they were driving away, Mick said to Paddy, 'I think that game is rigged and he doesn't really give away free sex at all.'

Paddy replied, 'No it's genuine enough, Mick. My wife won twice last week.'

<Supplied by Richard Scott-McGall>

 

YORKSHIRE PUD

Just opened a Christmas card and a Yorkshire pudding fell out. Hahahaha! Gotta love my Aunty Bessie.

<Supplied by Richard Scott-McGall>

 

AFTERNOON SEX

The only way to pull off a Sunday afternoon"quickie" with their 8-year-old son in the apartment was to send him out on the balcony with a popsicle and tell him to report on all the neighbourhood activities.
"There's a car being towed from the parking lot," he shouted. He began his commentary as his parents put their plan into operation: "An ambulance just drove by! Looks like the Andersons have company," he called out.
"Matt's riding a new bike! Looks like the Sanders are moving. Jason is on his skateboard"
After a few moments, he announced, "The Coopers are having sex!!"
Startled, his mum and dad shot up in bed. Dad cautiously called out.
"How do you know they're having sex?"
Jimmy Cooper is standing on his balcony with a Popsicle."

<Supplied by Richard Scott-McGall>

 

IN A CAFE

I was in a cafe today and two waitresses had a massive row over how long to leave a tea bag in the cup. It got so bad it ended up in violence. I asked the manager what had happened and he told it had been brewing for ages.

<Supplied by Richard Scott-McGall>

 

SPICE GIRL

Which Spice girl can hold the most petrol?
Geri can.

<Supplied by Richard Scott-McGall>

 

ARE YOU IRISH?

A customer asked: "In what aisle can I find the Irish sausages?"
The assistant asks: "Are you Irish?"
The guy, clearly offended, says: "Yes I am, but let me ask you something... if I had asked you for Italian sausage, would you ask me if I was Italian? Or if I asked for German Bratwurst, would you have asked me if I was German? Or if I asked for a kosher hot dog, would you have asked me if I was Jewish? Or if I had asked for a taco, would you have asked if I was Mexican? Or if I asked for Polish sausage, would you have asked if I was Polish?"
The assistant says: "No... I probably wouldn't."
The guy says: "Well then, just because I asked for Irish sausage, why did you ask me if I was Irish?"
The assistant replied: "Because you're in Halfords!"

<Supplied by Richard Scott-McGall>

 

CHEER UP MATE

My friend keeps saying: "Cheer up mate, it could be worse. You could be stuck underground in a hole full of water."
I know he means well.

<Supplied by Richard Scott-McGall>

 

PADDY IN COURT

Paddy is in court and after an eight-hour trial, he pleads guilty. Judge says: "Why didn't you plead guilty at first and save the court all this time?"
Paddy said: "I thought I was innocent until I heard all the evidence."

<Supplied by Richard Scott-McGall>

 

PADDY'S STUFFED DOGS

Paddy took two stuffed dogs to the Antiques Roadshow... "Ooh!" said the presenter. "This a very rare breed. Do you have any idea what they would fetch if they were in good condition?"
"Sticks!" replied Paddy.

<Supplied by Richard Scott-McGall>

 

SPOT CHECK

I got pulled over by a copper last night on my drive home. He said: "this is a spot check."
I said: "I got two blackheads and a boil on me arse!"

<Supplied by Richard Scott-McGall>

 

CHROMOSOMES

Chromosomes: A beginner's guide: XY = Male, XX = Female, YYY = Delilah

<Supplied by Richard Scott-McGall>

 

BLIND HORROR STORY

I'm reading a horror story in Braille... something bad is going to happen... I can just feel it!

<Supplied by Richard Scott-McGall>

 

THE LITTLE BOY AND THE DEAD CAT

A little boy tells his nursery teacher that he found a dead cat. "How did you know it was dead?" asked the teacher.
"Because I pissed in its ear and it didn't move!" said the boy.
"You did what?" shrieked the teacher.
"You know," explains the boy, "I lent over and went pssst and it didn't move."

<Supplied by Richard Scott-McGall>

 

MUGGED

I was mugged by a thief last night on the way home. Pointing a knife at me, he said: "Your money or your life!"
I told him: "I am married so I have no money and no life!"
We hugged and cried together. It was a beautiful moment.

<Supplied by Richard Scott-McGall>

 

MORNING SEX

Upon hearing that her elderly grandfather had just passed away, Katie went straight to her grandparent's house to visit her 95-year-old grandmother and comfort her. When she asked how her grandfather had died, her grandmother replied, "He had a heart attack while we were making love on Sunday morning." Horrified, Katie told her grandmother that 2 people nearly 100 years old having sex would surely be asking for trouble. "Oh no, my dear," replied granny. "Many years ago, realizing our advanced age, we figured out the best time to do it was when the church bells would start to ring. It was just the right rhythm. Nice and slow and even. Nothing too strenuous, simply in on the Ding and out on the Dong." She paused to wipe away a tear, and continued, "He'd still be alive if the ice cream truck hadn't come along."

<Supplied by John Hoxie, through a Facebook post>

 

ELECTRICIAN

People are usually shocked when they find out I'm not a very good electrician.

<Supplied by Richard Scott-McGall>

 

FATHER WAS A MAGICIAN

I come from a family of entertainers, my father was a failed magician. I've also got half-sisters.

<Supplied by Richard Scott-McGall>

 

THE SPIDER

My girlfriend told me to take the spider out instead of killing it. We went and had some drinks. Cool guy. Wants to be a web developer.

<Supplied by Richard Scott-McGall>

 

A DOG WITH A TRUMPET

Taught my dog to play the trumpet on the underground. He went from Barking to Tooting in 10 minutes.

<Supplied by Richard Scott-McGall>

 

FANCY DRESS

I told the Mrs that I don't want to go to an 80's fancy dress party but she remains adamant!

<Supplied by Richard Scott-McGall>

 

NATIONAL NUDITY DAY

My friend asked me did I have any plans for national nudity day ..I replied "I have nothing on"

<Supplied by Richard Scott-McGall>

 

GINGER IN THE CURRY

My wife and kids are upset because I put ginger in the curry...they loved that cat!

<Supplied by Richard Scott-McGall>

 

WET GERMAN

A German tourist jumped in the freezing water to save my precious little dog who was drowning. After he climbed out, he handed me the dog and said: "Here is ze dog. Keep him warm and dry him off and he will be fine."
I said: "Are you a vet?"
He replied: "A vet? I'm bloody soaking!"

<Supplied by Richard Scott-McGall>

 

BE STRONG HONEY...

A man escapes from prison where he's been locked up for 15 years. He breaks into a house and inside, he finds a young couple in bed. He ties him to a chair. While tying the wife to the bed, the convict gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom. While he's in there, the husband whispers over to his wife: "Listen, this guy is an escaped convict. Look at his clothes! He's probably spent a lot of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck. If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain. Do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is obviously very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us both. Be strong honey, I love you!"

She responds: "He wasn't kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me that he's gay, thinks you're cute and asked if we had any Vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey, I love you too!"

<Supplied by Amanda Cradock>

 

MORE ONE-LINERS

The Grim Reaper came for me last night, and I beat him off with a vacuum cleaner. Talk about Dyson with death!

The wife has been missing a week now. Police said to prepare for the worst. So I went to the Charity shop to get all her clothes back.

A mate of mine recently admitted to being addicted to brake fluid. When I quizzed him about it he reckoned he could stop any time.

<Supplied by Joan Warren>

 

QUICKIE IN THE BUSHES

There are two statues in a park; one of a nude man and one of a nude woman. They had been facing each other across a
pathway for a hundred years, when an angel comes down from the sky and, with a single gesture, brings the two to life. The angel tells them, 'As a reward for being so patient through a hundred blazing summers and dismal winters, you have been given life for thirty minutes to do what you've wished to do the most.'He looks at her, she looks at him, and they go running behind the shrubbery.
The angel waits patiently as the bushes rustle and giggling ensues. After fifteen minutes, the two return, out of breath and laughing... The angel tells them, 'Um, you have fifteen minutes left, would you care to do it again?'
He asks her 'Shall we?'
She eagerly replies,'Oh, yes, let's! But let's change positions. This time, I'll hold the pigeon down and you shit on its head.'

<Supplied by Terry King>

 

MODERN DAY NURSERY RHYMES

Humpty Dumpty sat on a wall
Humpty Dumpty had a great fall
The structure of the wall was incorrect
So he won a grand with Claims Direct.

It's Raining, It's Pouring
No doubt, it's Global Warming.

Jack and Jill went into town
To fetch some chips and sweeties.
He can't keep his heart rate down
And she's got diabetes.

Mary had a little lamb
Her father shot it dead.
Now it goes to school with her
Between two chunks of bread.

Mary had a little lamb
It ran into a pylon.
10,000 volts went up its @rse
And turned its wool to nylon.

Georgie Porgie Pudding and Pie
Kissed the girls and made them cry.
When the boys came out to play
He kissed them too cause he was gay.

Jack and Jill
Went up the hill
And planned to do some kissing.
Jack made a pass
And grabbed her ass
Now two of his teeth are missing.

Mary had a little lamb
Its fleece was white and wispy.
Then it caught Foot and Mouth Disease
And now it's black and crispy.

<Supplied by Mark Smit>

 

OUT WITH ONE-LINERS...

A mate of mine recently admitted to being addicted to brake fluid. When I quizzed him on it he reckoned he could stop any time.....

I had a mate who was suicidal. He was really depressed, so I pushed him in front of a train. He was chuffed to bits.

I went to the cemetery yesterday to lay some flowers on a grave. As I was standing there I noticed 4 grave diggers walking about with a coffin... 3 hours later and they're still walking about with it...thought to myself, these buggers have lost the plot!!

I was at a cash point yesterday when a little old lady asked if I could check her balance. Not being one to disappoint I pushed the old dear over.

A new middle east crisis erupted last night as Dubai Television was refused permission to broadcast 'The Flintstones'. A spokesman for the channel said...
'A claim was made that people in Dubai would not understand the humour, but we know for a fact that people in Abu Dhabi Do.'

My son's been asking me for a pet spider for his birthday, so I went to our local pet shop and they were £70!!!
No way I thought, I can get one cheaper off the web.

Statistically, 6 out of 7 dwarves are not happy.

Just heard there was an explosion at a pie factory in Huddersfield.
3.1415927 dead

I was walking in a cemetery this morning and saw a bloke hiding behind a gravestone. "Morning," I said. "No" he replied, "just picking daisies."

My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary. She said, ‘I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in about 3 seconds.’ I bought her some bathroom scales.

Went around to a friends house today. His wife was sat there with their newborn baby. She asked if I'd like to wind it... I thought that was a bit harsh so I gave it a dead leg instead.

I start a new job in Seoul next week. I thought it was a good Korea move.

I got some new aftershave today that smells like breadcrumbs. The birds love it!

The Prime Minister, David Cameron, has announced that he intends to make it more difficult to claim benefits. From next week, all the forms will be printed in English.

I was driving this morning when I saw an RAC van parked up. The driver was sobbing uncontrollably and looked very miserable. I thought to myself ‘that guy’s heading for a breakdown’.

On holiday recently in Spain, I saw a sign that said ‘English speaking Doctor’ - I thought, 'What a good idea, why don’t we have them in our country?'

The lead actor in the local pantomime, Aladdin, was sexually abused from behind on stage last night. To be fair the audience did try to warn him.

<Supplied by David Wallis>

 

FIFTY BUCKS IS FIFTY BUCKS...

Ed and his wife Norma go to the state fair every year and every year Ed would say; "Norma, I'd like to ride in that helicopter."
Norma always replied, "I know Ed, but that helicopter ride is fifty bucks, and fifty bucks is fifty bucks!"

One year Ed and Norma went to the fair, and Ed said; "Norma, I'm 75 years old. If I don't ride that helicopter, I might never get another chance!"
To this, Norma replied, "Ed, that helicopter ride is fifty bucks, and fifty bucks is fifty bucks."

The pilot overheard the couple and said; "Folks I'll make you a deal. I'll take both of you for a ride. If you can stay quiet for the entire ride and don't say a word I won't charge you a penny! But if you say one word, it's fifty dollars."

Ed and Norma agreed and up they went.

The pilot did all kinds of fancy manoeuvres, but not a word was heard. He did his daredevil tricks over and over again, but still not a word. When they landed, the pilot turned to Ed and said; "By golly, I did everything I could to get you to yell out, but you didn't. I'm impressed!"

Ed replied, "Well, to tell you the truth I almost said something when Norma fell out, but you know, fifty bucks is fifty bucks!"

<Supplied by Mark>

 

CONFESSIONAL BOOTH...

A drunk staggers into a Catholic Church, enters a confessional booth, sits down, but says nothing.
The Priest coughs a few times to get his attention but the drunk continues to sit there.
Finally, the Priest pounds three times on the wall.
The drunk mumbles, "ain't no use knockin, there's no paper on this side either!"

<Supplied by Mark>

 

POOR SHAMUS...

Brenda O'Malley is home making dinner, as usual, when Tim Finnegan arrives at her door.
"Brenda, may I come in?" he asks. "I've somethin' to tell ya".
"Of course you can come in, you're always welcome, Tim. But where's my husband?"
"That's what I'm here to be telling ya, Brenda. There was an accident down at the Guinness brewery..."
"Oh, God no!" cries Brenda. "Please don't tell me."
"I must, Brenda. Your husband Shamus is dead and gone. I'm sorry."
Finally, she looked up at Tim. "How did it happen, Tim?"
"It was terrible, Brenda. He fell into a vat of Guinness Stout and drowned."
"Oh, my dear Jesus! But you must tell me the truth, Tim. Did he at least go quickly?"
"Well, Brenda... no. In fact, he got out three times to pee."

<Supplied by Mark>

 

IRISHMAN DRINKING AND DRIVING...

An Irishman who had a little too much to drink is driving home from the city one night and, of course, his car is weaving violently all over the road. A cop pulls him over.
"So," says the cop to the driver, "where have ya been?"
"Why I've been to the pub of course," slurs the drunk.
"Well," says the cop, "it looks like you've had quite a few to drink this evening."
"I did all right," the drunk says with a smile.
" Did you know," says the cop, standing straight and folding his arms across his chest, that a few intersections back, your wife fell out of your car?"
"Oh, thank heavens," sighs the drunk."For a minute there, I thought I'd gone deaf."

<Supplied by Mark>

 

THE POLICE CAME TO MY DOOR...

The police came to my front door last night holding a picture of my wife.
They said, "Is this your wife, sir?"
Shocked, I answered, " Yes."
They said, "I'm afraid it looks like she's been hit by a bus."
I said, "I  know, but she has a lovely personality."

<Supplied by Mark>

 

MY MATE'S MISSUS LEFT HIM...

My mate's missus left him last Thursday, she said she was going out for a pint of milk & never come back! I asked him how he was coping and he said, “Not bad, I've been using that powdered stuff."

<Supplied by Mark>

 

IRISH FUEL SOLUTION

The Irish have solved their own fuel problems. They imported 50 million tonnes of sand from the Arabs and they're going to drill for their own oil.

<Supplied by Mark>

 

FARMER BILL

A farmer named Bill ...A farmer named Bill was overseeing his herd in a remote mountainous pasture in Scotland when suddenly a brand-new BMW advanced toward him out of a cloud of dust...

The driver, a young man in a Brioni suit, Gucci shoes, RayBan sunglasses and YSL tie, leaned out the window and asked the farmer, "If I tell you exactly how many cows and calves you have in your herd, will you give me a calf?"

Bill looks at the man, obviously a yuppie, then looks at his peaceful grazing herd and calmly answers, "Sure, why not?"

The yuppie parks his car, whips out his Dell notebook computer, connects it to his Cingular RAZR V3 cell phone, and surfs to a NASA page on the Internet, where he calls up a GPS satellite to get an exact fix on his location which he then feeds to another NASA satellite that scans the area in an ultra-high-resolution photo .

The young man then opens the digital photo in Adobe Photoshop and exports it to an image processing facility in Hamburg, Germany.

Within seconds, he receives an email on his Palm Pilot that the image has been processed and the data stored. He then accesses an MS-SQL database through an ODBC connected Excel spreadsheet with email on his Blackberry and, after a few minutes, receives a response.

Finally, he prints out a full-colour, 150-page report on his hi-tech, miniaturized HP LaserJet printer, turns to the farmer and says, "You have exactly 1,586 cows and calves."

"That's right. Well, I guess you can take one of my calves," says Bill.

He watches the young man select one of the animals and looks on with amusement as the young man stuffs it into the boot of his car.

Then Bill says to the young man, "Hey, if I can tell you exactly what your business is, will you give me back my calf?"

The young man thinks about it for a second and then says, "Okay, why not?"

"You're a Member of Parliament aren't you", says Bill.

"Wow! That's correct," says the yuppie, "but how did you guess that?"

"No guessing required." answered the farmer. "You showed up here even though nobody called you; you want to get paid for an answer I already knew, to a question I never asked. You used millions of pounds worth of equipment trying to show me how much smarter than me you are; and you don't know a thing about how working people make a living - or about cows, for that matter. This is a herd of sheep...

Now give me back my dog.

<Supplied by Joan>

 

Bert's New Boots

An elderly couple, Margaret and Bert, moved to Texas. Bert always wanted a pair of authentic cowboy boots, so, seeing some on sale, he bought them and wore them home. Walking proudly, he sauntered into the kitchen and said to his wife, "Notice anything different about me?" 
Margaret looked him over. "Nope."  
Frustrated, Bert stormed off into the bathroom, undressed and walked back into the kitchen completely naked except for the boots. Again he asked Margaret, a little louder this time, "Notice anything different NOW?" 

Margaret looked up and said in her best deadpan, "Bert, what's different? It's hanging down today, it was hanging down yesterday, it'll be hanging down again tomorrow."  

Furious, Bert yelled, "AND DO YOU KNOW WHY IT'S HANGING DOWN MARGARET?" 

"Nope.  Not a clue", she replied.  

"IT'S HANGING DOWN BECAUSE IT'S LOOKING AT MY NEW BOOTS!!!!" 

Without missing a beat Margaret replied, "Shoulda bought a hat, Bert. Shoulda bought a hat."

<Supplied by Maggie>

 

Three ladies in a sauna

Three women, two younger, and one senior citizen, were sitting naked in a sauna. Suddenly there was a beeping sound. The young woman pressed her forearm and the beep stopped. The others looked at her questioningly.
'That was my pager,' she said. I have a microchip under the skin of my arm.

A few minutes later, a phone rang. The second young woman lifted her palm to her ear. When she finished, she explained, 'that was my mobile phone. I have a microchip in my hand.'

The older woman felt very low -tech. So, not to be outdone, she decided she had to do Something just as impressive. She stepped out of the sauna and went to the bathroom. She returned with a piece of toilet paper hanging from her rear end. The others raised their eyebrows and stared at her.

The older woman finally said: "Well, will you look at that... I'm getting a fax!!

<Supplied by Joan>

 

 

Some Great One-liners

Did you hear about the fat, alcoholic transvestite – All he wanted to do was eat, drink and be Mary.

Got an e-mail today from a bored local housewife, 43, who was looking for some hot action! So I sent her my ironing. That’ll keep the lazy so-and-so busy.

I got invited to a party and was told to dress to kill. Apparently, a turban, beard and a backpack weren’t what they had in mind.


Paddy says to Mick, “Christmas is on Friday this year”. Mick said, “Let’s hope it’s not the 13th then.”

My mate just hired an Eastern European cleaner, took her 5 hours to hoover the house. Turns out she was a Slovak

Since the snow came all the wife has done is look through the window. If it gets any worse, I’ll have to let her in.

I’ve been charged with murder for killing a man with sandpaper. To be honest I only intended to rough him up a bit.

A lad comes home from school and excitedly tells his dad that he had a part in the school play and he was playing a man who had been married for 25 years. The dad says, “Never mind son, maybe next year you’ll get a speaking part.”

Just had my water bill of £175 drop on my mat. That’s a lot. Oxfam can supply a whole African village for just £2 a month: time to change supplier I think.

<Supplied by Maggie>

 

Blacksmith Dog

I bought a dog off a blacksmith today, as soon as I got him home he made a bolt for the door!!

<Supplied by Dean>

 

Mick and Paddy in a cemetery

Mick and Paddy are reading head stones at a nearby cemetery.

Mick say "Crikey! There's a bloke here who was 152!"

Paddy says "What's his name ?"

Mick replies "Miles, from London !"

<Supplied by Maggie>

 

Paddy The Electrician

Paddy, the electrician, got sacked from the U.S. prison service for not servicing the electric chair. He said in his professional opinion it was a death trap!

<Supplied by Maggie>

 

Paddy and his wife in bed

Paddy takes his new wife to bed on their wedding night.

She undresses, lies on the bed spreadeagled and says "You know what I want don't you ?"

"Yeah," says Paddy. "The whole friggin' bed by the looks of it!"

<Supplied by Maggie>

 

Two Irish couples

Two Irish couples decided to swap partners for the night. After 3 hours of amazing sex, Paddy says "I wonder how the girls are getting on"

<Supplied by Maggie>

 

Paddy and Murphy on a building site

Paddy and Murphy are working on a building site.

Paddy says to Murphy "I'm gonna have the day off, I'm gonna pretend I'm mad!"

He climbs up the rafters, hangs upside down and shouts "I'M A LIGHTBULB! I'M A LIGHTBULB!"

Murphy watches in amazement! The Foreman shouts "Paddy you're mad, go home" So he leaves the site.

Murphy starts packing his kit up to leave as well.

"Where the hell are you going?" asks the Foreman.

I can't work in the friggin' dark!" says Murphy.

<Supplied by Maggie>

 

Paddy and Easyjet

Paddy calls Easyjet to book a flight.

The operator asks "How many people are flying with you ?"

Paddy replies "I don't know! It's your f***ing plane!"

<Supplied by Maggie>

 

Irish Bar Lore

Sitting in a bar the Scotsman says, "As good as this bar is, I still prefer the pubs back home. In Glasgow, there's a wee place called McTavish's. The landlord goes out of his way for the locals. When you buy four drinks, he'll buy the fifth drink."

"Well, Angus," said the Englishman, "At my local in London, the Red Lion, the barman will buy you your third drink after you buy the first two."

"Ahhh, dat's nothin'," said the Irishman, "back home in my favourite pub, the moment you set foot in the place, they'll buy you a drink, then another, all the drinks you like, actually. Then, when you've had enough drinks, they'll take you upstairs and see that you gets laid, all on the house!"

The Englishman and Scotsman were suspicious of the claims. The Irishman swore every word was true. "Did this actually happen to you?"

"Not meself, personally, no," admitted the Irishman, "but it did happen to me sister quite a few times."

<Supplied by Maggie>

 

Learn from your Elders


A lawyer and a senior citizen are sitting next to each other on a long flight... The lawyer is thinking that seniors are so dumb that he could get one over on them easy. So the lawyer asks if the senior would like to play a fun game. The senior is tired and just wants to take a nap, so he politely declines and tries to catch a few winks. The lawyer persists saying that the game is a lot of fun. "I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me only $5. Then you ask me one, and if I don't know the answer, I will pay you $500," he says. This catches the senior's attention and to keep the lawyer quiet, he agrees to play the game. The lawyer asks the first question. 'What's the distance from the Earth to the Moon?'
The senior doesn't say a word, but reaches into his pocket, pulls out a five-dollar bill, and hands it to the lawyer. Now it's the senior's turn. He asks the lawyer, 'What goes up a hill with three legs, and comes down with four?'
The lawyer uses his laptop and searches all references he could find on the Net. He sends e-mails to all the smart friends he knows; all to no avail. After an hour of searching, he finally gives up. He wakes the senior and hands him $500. The senior pockets the $500 and goes right back to sleep.

The lawyer is going nuts not knowing the answer. He wakes the senior up and asks, 'Well, so what goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with four?'
The senior reaches into his pocket, hands the lawyer $5 and goes back to sleep.

<Supplied by Mark>

 

FACE LIFT

A woman decides to have a facelift for her 50th birthday. She spends £15,000 and feels pretty good about the results. Once the bruising and swelling have gone she treats herself to a complete makeover - make-up, hair, new outfit etc - and feels fantastic.
On her way home from the hairdresser, she stops at W H Smiths to buy a newspaper and before leaving she says to the assistant "I hope you don't mind my asking but how old do you think I am?"
"About 32" is the reply.
"No, I'm exactly 50," the woman says happily.
A little while later she goes into McDonald's and asks the same question and the assistant replies, "Oh about 29."
The woman replies with a big smile, 'No, I'm 50.'
Now she's feeling really good about herself. She stops in a store on her way down the street. She goes up to the counter to get some mints and asks the assistant this burning question...
He says, 'Oh, I'd say 30.'
Again she proudly responds, 'I'm 50, but thank you!'

While waiting for the bus to go home, she asks an old man waiting next to her the same question. He replies, 'Lady, I'm 78 and my eyesight is going. Although, when I was young there was a sure-fire way to tell how old a woman was. It sounds very forward, but it requires you to let me put my hands under your bra. Then, and only then can I tell you EXACTLY how old you are.'
They wait in silence on the empty street until her curiosity gets the best of her. She finally blurts out, 'What the hell, go ahead.'

He slips both of his hands under her blouse and begins to feel around very slowly and carefully. He bounces and weighs each breast and he gently pinches each nipple. He pushes her breasts together and rubs them against each other.

After a couple of minutes of this, she says, 'Okay, okay... How old am I?'
He completes one last squeeze of her breasts, removes his hands, and says, 'Madam, you are 50.'
Stunned and amazed, the woman says, 'That was incredible, how could you tell?'

The old man says, 'Promise you won't get mad?

'I promise I won't,' she says.
'I was behind you at McDonald's.'

<Supplied by Mark>

 


Don't Mess With Mature Ladies

A mature (over 40) lady gets pulled over for speeding...

Older Woman: Is there a problem, Officer?
Officer: Ma'am, you were speeding.
Older Woman: Oh, I see.
Officer: Can I see your license, please?
Older Woman: I'd give it to you but I don't have one.
Officer: Don't have one?
Older Woman: Lost it, 4 years ago for drunk driving.
Officer: I see...Can I see your vehicle registration papers, please.
Older Woman: I can't do that.
Officer: Why not?
Older Woman: I stole this car.
Officer: Stole it?
Older Woman: Yes, and I killed and hacked up the owner.
Officer: You what?
Older Woman: His body parts are in plastic bags in the trunk if you want to see.

The Officer looks at the woman and slowly backs away to his car and calls for back up. Within minutes 5 police cars circle the car. A senior officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half drawn gun.

Officer 2: Ma'am, could you step out of your vehicle, please! The woman steps out of her vehicle...
Older woman: Is there a problem sir?
Officer 2: One of my officers told me that you have stolen this car and murdered the owner.
Older Woman: Murdered the owner?
Officer 2: Yes, could you please open the trunk of your car, please.

The woman opens the trunk, revealing nothing but an empty trunk.

Officer 2: Is this your car, ma'am?
Older Woman: Yes, here are the registration papers.

The officer is quite stunned.

Officer 2: One of my officers claims that you do not have a driving license.

The woman digs into her handbag and pulls out a clutch purse and hands it to the officer. The officer examines the license. He looks quite puzzled.

Officer 2: Thank you, ma'am, one of my officers told me you didn't have a license, that you stole this car, and that you murdered and hacked up the owner.

Older Woman: Bet the liar told you I was speeding, too.


Don't Mess With Mature Ladies

<Supplied by Mark>

 


Morris

Morris, an 82-year-old man, went to the doctor to get a physical. A few days later, the doctor saw Morris walking down the street with a gorgeous young woman on his arm. A couple of days later, the doctor spoke to Morris and said, 'You're really doing great, aren't you?'
Morris replied, 'Just doing what you said, Doc: 'Get a hot mamma and be cheerful.''
The doctor said, 'I didn't say that.. I said, 'You've got a heart murmur; be careful.'

<Supplied by Mark>

 

A couple in the Their Nineties

A couple in their nineties are both having problems remembering things. During a checkup, the doctor tells them that they're physically okay, but they might want to start writing things down to help them remember.
Later that night, while watching TV, the old man gets up from his chair. 'Want anything while I'm in the kitchen?' he asks.
'Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?'
'Sure..'
'Don't you think you should write it down so you can remember it?' she asks.
'No, I can remember it.'
'Well, I'd like some strawberries on top, too. Maybe you should write it down, so as not to forget it?'
He says, 'I can remember that. You want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries.'
'I'd also like whipped cream. I'm certain you'll forget that, write it down?' she asks.
Irritated, he says, 'I don't need to write it down, I can remember it! Ice cream with strawberries and whipped cream - I got it, for goodness sake!'
Then he toddles into the kitchen. After about 20 minutes, The old man returns from the kitchen and hands his wife a plate of bacon and eggs.. She stares at the plate for a moment.
'Where's my toast ?'

<Supplied by Mark>

 

Senior Citizen Moment

An elderly couple had dinner at another couple's house, and after eating, the wives left the table and went into the kitchen.
The two gentlemen were talking, and one said, 'Last night we went out to a new restaurant and it was really great... I would recommend it very highly.'
The other man said, 'What is the name of the restaurant?'
The first man thought and thought and finally said, 'What is the name of that flower you give to someone you love?
You know... The one that's red and has thorns.'
'Do you mean a rose?'
'Yes, that's the one,' replied the man. He then turned towards the kitchen and yelled, 'Rose, what's the name of that restaurant we went to last night?'

<Supplied by Mark>

 

Two babies

Two babies were sitting in their cribs, when one baby shouted to the other, 'Are you a little girl or a little boy?'
'I don't know,' replied the other baby giggling.
'What do you mean, you don't know?' said the first baby.
'I mean I don't know how to tell the difference,' was the reply.
'Well, I do,' said the first baby chuckling, 'I'll climb into your crib and find out.'
He carefully manoeuvred himself into the other baby's crib, then quickly disappeared beneath the blankets.
After a couple of minutes, he resurfaced with a big grin on his face.
'You're a little girl and I'm a little boy,' he said proudly.
'You're ever so clever,' cooed the baby girl, 'but how can you tell?'
'It's quite easy really,' replied the baby boy,

'You've got pink socks and I've got blue ones.'

Shame on you... what were you thinking?

 

<Supplied by Mark Smit>

 

Turner Brown

Skinny little white guy goes into an elevator, looks up and sees this HUGE black guy standing next to him.

The big guy sees the little guy staring at him looks down and says: '7 Feet tall, 350 pounds, 20 inch private, 3-pound testicles, Turner Brown.'

The white man faints and falls to the floor. The big guy kneels down and brings him to, shaking him.

The big guy says: 'What's wrong with you?'

In a weak voice the little guy says, 'What EXACTLY did you say to me?'

The big dude says: 'I saw your curious look and figured I'd just give You the answers to the questions everyone always asks me.....I'm 7 feet tall, I weigh 350 pounds, I have a 20 inch private, my testicles weigh 3 pounds each, and my name is Turner Brown.'

The small guy says: 'Turner Brown?!... Sweet Lord, I thought you said: "Turn around"

<Supplied by Mark Smit>

 

Polite Way to Pee

During one of her daily classes, a teacher trying to teach good manners asked her students
Teacher: "Michael, if you were on a date having dinner with a nice young lady, how would you tell her that you have to go to the
bathroom?"
Michael: "Just a minute I have to go pee."
Teacher: "That would be rude and impolite."
Teacher: "What about you Peter, how would you say it?"
Peter: "I truly am sorry, but I really need to go to the bathroom. I'll be right back."
Teacher: "That's better, but it's still not very nice to say the word bathroom at the dinner table."
Teacher: "And you, Little Johnny, can you use your brains for once and show us your good manners?"
Little Johnny: "Darling, may I please be excused for a brief moment? I have to shake hands with a very dear friend of mine, whom I am hoping you will get to meet after dinner."

<Supplied by Mark Smit>

 

A teacher gave her class of 11-year-olds an assignment: To get their parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it.

The next day the kids came back and one by one began to tell their stories.

Ashley said, "My father's a farmer and we have a lot of egg-laying hens. One time we were taking our eggs to market in a basket on the front seat of the car when we hit a big bump in the road and all the eggs got broken.

"What's the moral of that story?" asked the teacher.

"Don't put all your eggs in one basket!"

"Very good," said the teacher.

Next little Sarah raised her hand and said, "Our family are farmers too. But we raise chickens for the meat market. One day we had a dozen eggs, but when they hatched we only got ten live chicks, and the moral to this story is, 'Don't count your chickens before they're hatched'."

"That was a fine story, Sarah."

"Michael, do you have a story to share?"

"Yes. My daddy told me this story about my Aunty Sharon. Aunty Sharon was a flight engineer on a plane in the Gulf War and her plane got hit. She had to bail out over enemy territory and all she had was a bottle of whisky, a machine gun and a machete. She drank the whiskey on the way down so it wouldn't break and then she landed right in the middle of 100 enemy troops. She killed seventy of them with the machine gun until she ran out of bullets. Then she killed twenty more with the machete until the blade broke. And then she killed the last ten with her bare hands."

"Good heavens," said the horrified teacher, "what kind of moral did your daddy tell you from that horrible story?"

"Stay the f..... away from Aunty Sharon when she's been drinking."

<Supplied by Mark Smit>

 

It's Tough Getting Old!

A senior citizen goes in for his yearly physical with his wife tagging along.
When the doctor enters the examination room he says, 'I will need a urine sample, a stool sample, and a sperm sample.'
The man, being hard of hearing, turns to his wife and asks, 'What did he say?'


The wife yells back to him, 'GIVE HIM YOUR UNDERWEAR!

<Supplied by Maggie Webb>

 

God said, ' Adam, I want you to do something for me.'
Adam said, 'Gladly, Lord, what do you want me to do?'
God said, 'Go down into that valley.'
Adam said, 'What's a Valley?'
God explained it to him. Then God said, 'Cross the river.'
Adam said, 'What's a River?'
God explained that to him, and then said, 'Go over to the hill....'
Adam said, 'What is a Hill?'
So, God explained to Adam what a hill was.
He told Adam, 'On the other side of the hill you will find a cave.'
Adam said, 'What's a cave?'
After God explained, He said, 'In the cave, you will find a woman.'
Adam said, 'What's a Woman?'
So God explained that to him, too.
Then, God said, 'I want you to reproduce.'
Adam said, 'How do I do that?'
God first said (under His breath), 'Geez.....'
And then, just like everything else, God explained that to Adam, as well.
So, Adam goes down into the valley, across the river, and over the hill, into the cave, and finds the woman.
Then, in about five minutes, he was back.
God, his patience wearing thin, said angrily, 'What is it Now?'
And Adam said... “What's a headache?”

<Supplied by Maggie Webb>

 

Paddy and Mick were both laid off, so they went to the unemployment office. When asked his occupation, Paddy answered, 'Knicker Stitcher... I sew da elastic onto ladies' knickers and thongs..'

The clerk looked up Knicker Stitcher on his computer and, finding it classified as unskilled labour, he gave him £80 a week unemployment pay.

Mick was next in and when asked his occupation replied, 'Diesel Fitter.'

Since a diesel fitter was a skilled job, the clerk gave Mick £160 a week.

When Paddy found out he was furious. He stormed back into the office to find out why his friend and co-worker was collecting double his pay.

The clerk explained, 'Knicker Stitchers are unskilled labour and Diesel Fitters are skilled labour.'

'What skill?' yelled Paddy. 'I sew da elastic on da knickers and thongs, then Mick puts 'em over his head and says: 'Yep, diesel fitter.'  

<Supplied by Melanie Low>

 

the ...AND THAT'S HOW THE FIGHT STARTED series...

One year, I decided to buy my mother-in-law a cemetery plot as a Christmas gift.  The next year, I didn't buy her a gift. When she asked me why, I replied; 'Well, you still haven't used the gift I bought you last year!'

I asked my wife; 'Where do you want to go for our anniversary?'  It warmed my heart to see her face melt in sweet appreciation.
'Somewhere I haven't been in a long time!' she said.
So I suggested, 'How about the kitchen?'

My wife and I are watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while we were in bed.  I turned to her and said, 'Do you want to have sex?'
'No,' she answered.
I then said, 'Is that your final answer?'
She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying: 'Yes.'
So I said, 'Then I'd like to phone a friend.'

My wife sat down on the couch next to me as I was flipping the channels.  She asked, 'What's on TV?'
I said, 'Dust.'

My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary.  She said, 'I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 200 in about 3 seconds.'
I bought her some weighing scales.

My wife and I were sitting at a table at her high school reunion, and she kept staring at a drunken man swigging his drink as he sat alone at a nearby table.
I asked her, 'Do you know him?'
'Yes,' she sighed,
'He's my old boyfriend... I understand he took to drinking right after we split up all those many years ago, and I hear he hasn't been sober since.'
I said: 'Who'd have thought a person could go on celebrating that long?' 

<Submitted by Mark Smit>

 

'Viagra' is now available in powder form for your tea.
It doesn't enhance your sexual performance but it does stop your biscuit going soft...

<Submitted by David Wallis>

 

Young Angus bought a donkey from a farmer for £100. The farmer agreed to deliver the donkey the next day.
The next day he drove up and said, 'Sorry son, but I have some bad news. The donkey's died.'
Angus replied, 'Well then just give me my money back.' The farmer said, 'Can't do that. I've already spent it.'
Angus said, 'OK, then, just bring me the dead donkey.' The farmer asked, 'What are you going to do with him?'
Angus said, 'I'm going to raffle him off.' The farmer said, 'You can't raffle a dead donkey!'
Angus said, 'Sure I can. Watch me... I just won't tell anybody he's dead.'
A month later, the farmer met up with Angus and asked, 'What happened with that dead donkey?'
Angus said, 'I raffled him off. I sold 500 tickets at two pounds a piece and made a profit of £898'
The farmer said, 'Didn't anyone complain?' Angus said, 'Just the guy who won. So I gave him his two pounds back.'

Angus now works for the Royal Bank of Scotland.
<Submitted by Maggie Webb>

 

A group of primary school infants, accompanied by two female teachers, went on a field trip to Cheltenham races to see and learn about thoroughbred horses.
When it was time to take the children to the toilet, it was decided that the girls would go with one teacher and the boys would go with the other.
The teacher assigned to the boys was waiting outside the men's toilet when one of the boys came out and told her that none of them could reach the urinal. Having no choice, she went inside, helped the boys with their pants, and began hoisting the boys up, one by one, holding their willies to direct the flow away from their clothes.
As she lifted one, she couldn't help but notice that he was unusually well endowed. Trying not to show that she was staring, the teacher said, 'You must be in year four.'
'No madam,' he replied. 'I'm riding Silver Arrow in the 3.30."

<Submitted by Maggie Webb>

 

A guy is driving around the back woods of Montana and he sees a sign in front of a broken down shanty-style house: 'Talking Dog For Sale ' He rings the bell and the owner appears and tells him the dog is in the backyard.
The guy goes into the backyard and sees a nice looking Labrador retriever sitting there.
'You talk?' he asks.
'Yep,' the Lab replies.
After the guy recovers from the shock of hearing a dog talk, he says 'So, what's your story?'
The Lab looks up and says, 'Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA. In no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping.'
'I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years running. But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger so I decided to settle down. I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security, wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded a batch of medals.' 'I got married, had a mess of puppies and now I'm just retired.'
The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog.
'Ten dollars,' the guy says.
'Ten dollars? This dog is amazing! Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?'

'Because he's a liar. He never did any of that shit'

<Submitted by David Wallis>

 

As the bus stopped and it was her turn to get on, she became aware that her skirt was too tight to allow her leg to come up to the height of the first step of the bus.  Slightly embarrassed and with a quick smile to the bus driver, she reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little,  thinking that this would give her enough slack to raise her leg.  She tried to take the step, only to discover that she couldn't. So, a little more embarrassed, she once again reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little more, and for the second time attempted the step.  Once again, much to her chagrin, she could not raise her leg. With a little smile to the driver, she again reached behind to unzip a little more and again was unable to take the step.
About this time, a large Texan who was standing behind her picked her up easily by the waist and placed her gently on the step of the bus.
She went ballistic and turned to the would-be Samaritan and yelled, "How dare you touch my body! I don't even know who you are!"
The guy drawled, "Well, ma'am, normally I would agree with you, but after you unzipped my fly three times, I kinda figured we were friends."

<Submitted by David Wallis>

 

A firefighter was working on the engine outside the fire station when he noticed a little girl nearby in a little red wagon with little ladders hung off the sides and a garden hose tightly coiled in the middle.
The girl was wearing a firefighter's helmet.
The wagon was being pulled by her dog and her cat.

The firefighter walked over to take a closer look. "That sure is a nice fire truck," the firefighter said with admiration.

"Thanks," the little girl replied. The firefighter looked a little closer... the girl had tied the wagon to her dog's collar and to the cat's testicles.

"Little partner," the firefighter said: "I don't want to tell you how to run your rig but if you were to tie that around your cat's collar, I think you'd go faster"

The little girl replied thoughtfully, "You're probably right but then I wouldn't have a siren."

<Submitted by David Wallis>

 

Dan was a single man living at home with his widowed father and working in the family business.  When he found out he was going to inherit a fortune when his sickly father died, he decided he needed to find a wife with whom to share his fortune.
One evening, at an investment meeting, he spotted the most beautiful woman he had ever seen. Her natural beauty took his breath away. "I may look like just an ordinary man," he said to her, "but soon, my father will die and I will inherit $200 million.."
Impressed, the woman asked for his business card and three days later, she became his stepmother.

<Submitted by David Wallis>

 

Sister Mary Katherine entered the Monastery of Silence.
The Priest said, "Sister, this is a silent monastery. You are welcome here as long as you like, but you may not speak until directed to do so. "
Sister Mary Katherine lived in the monastery for 5 years before the Priest said to her, "Sister Mary Katherine, you have been here for 5 years. You may speak two words."
Sister Mary Katherine said, "Hard bed."
"I'm sorry to hear that," the Priest said, "We will get you a better bed."
After another 5 years, Sister Mary Katherine was summoned by the Priest.
"You may say another two words, Sister Mary Katherine."
"Cold food," said Sister Mary Katherine, and the Priest assured her that the food would be better in the future.
On her 15th anniversary at the monastery, the Priest again called Sister Mary Katherine into his office.
"You may say two words today ."
"I quit," said Sister Mary Katherine.
"It's probably best," said the Priest, "You've done nothing but f**kin complain since you got here."

<Submitted by Maggie Webb>

 

How to Tell the Sex of a Fly
A woman walked into the kitchen to find her husband stalking around with a fly swatter.
'What are you doing?' she asked.
'Hunting Flies,' he responded.
'Oh! Killing any?' she asked.
'Yep, 3 males, 2 Females,' he replied.
Intrigued, she asked: 'How can you tell them apart?'
He responded, '3 were on a beer can, 2 were on the phone.'
<Submitted by Mark Smit>

 

The Broken Lawn Mower
Marriage is a relationship in which one person is always right and the other is usually the husband.
When our lawn mower broke and wouldn't run, my wife kept hinting to me that I should get it fixed. But, somehow I always had something else to take care of first: the truck, the car, e-mail, fishing, always something more important to me.
Finally, she thought of a clever way to make her point.
When I arrived home one day, I found her seated in the tall grass, busily snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing scissors. I watched silently for a short time and then went into the house. I was gone only a few minutes. When I came out again I handed her a toothbrush. 'When you finish cutting the grass,' I said, 'you might as well sweep the driveway.'
<Submitted by Mark Smit>

 

The Australian Poetry Competition held in the Sydney Opera House had come down to two finalists;
A) The university graduate.
B) An old aborigine.
They were given a word and then allowed two minutes to study the word and come up with a short four-line poem that contained the word.
The word they were given was ' TIMBUKTU '.
First to recite his poem was the university graduate. He stepped to the microphone and said:

Slowly across the desert sand,
Trekked a lonely caravan
Men on camels two by two
Destination - Timbuktu...

The crowd went crazy! No way could the old aborigine top that, they thought.
The old aborigine calmly made his way to the microphone and recited;

Me and Tim a-huntin' went
Met three whores in a pop-up tent
They were three, and we were two
So I bucked one and Timbuktu.

The aborigine won.

<Submitted by David Wallis>

 

A man entered the bus with both of his front trouser pockets full of golf balls and sat down next to a beautiful (you guessed it) blonde.
The puzzled blonde kept looking at him and his bulging pockets.  Finally, after many such glances from her, he said, "It's golf balls".
Nevertheless, the blonde continued to look at him for a very long time, deeply thinking about what he had said.
After several minutes, not being able to contain her curiosity any longer, asked, "Does it hurt as much as tennis elbow?"


<Submitted by Mark Smit>

 

Mexican Words Of The Day
 

1. *Cheese*
The teacher told Pepito to use the word cheese in a sentence.
Pepito replies: Maria likes me, but cheese (she is) ugly.

2. *Mushroom*
When all my family get in the car
There's not mushroom (much room)

3. *Shoulder*
My friend wants 2 become a citizen,
But che didn't know how to read,
So I, shoulder (showed her)

4. * Texas *
When I'm not home,
My fren always Texas (text’s) me,
Che wonders where I am!

5. *Herpes*
Me and my friend ordered pizza.
I got mine piece
Then che got herpes (her piece)

6. *July*
Ju told me ju were going to tha store
But ju went to see sum guy,
July (you lie) to me! Julyer! (lier)

7. *Rectum*
I had 2 cars
But my wife rectum! (wrecked them)

8. *Chicken*
I was going to go to the store with my wife
But che said chicken (she can) go herself.

9. *Wheelchair*
We only have one enchilada left
But don't worry wheelchair (we’ll share)

10. *Chicken* *wing*
My wife plays the lottery so chicken wing. (she can win)

11. *Harassment*
My wife caught me in bed with another women.
I told her, "Honey, harassment (her ass meant) nothen to me.

12. *Bishop*
My wife fell down the stair
So I had to pick the bishop. (bitch up)

13. *Body wash*
I want to go to the club
But no body wash my kids.

14. *Budweiser*
That women has a nice body,
Budweiser (but why is her) face so ugly?


<Supplied by Mark Smit>

 

How I learned to mind my own business:
I was walking past the mental hospital the other day, and all the patients were shouting, '13.....13....13.'
The fence was too high to see over, but I saw a little gap in the planks, so I looked through to see what was going on... some idiot poked me in the eye with a stick!
Then they all started shouting '14....14....14'...
<Supplied by Maggie Webb>

 

Far away in the tropical waters of the Coral Sea , two prawns were swimming around.  One called Justin and the other called Christian.  The prawns were constantly being harassed and threatened by sharks that inhabited the area.  Finally one day Justin said to Christian, 'I'm fed up with being a prawn; I wish I was a shark, and then I wouldn't have any worries about being eaten.'
A large mysterious cod appeared and said, 'Your wish is granted.'  Low and behold, Justin turned into a shark.  Horrified, Christian immediately swam away, afraid of being eaten by his old mate.
Time passed (as it does) and Justin found life as a shark boring and lonely.  All his old mates simply swam away whenever he came close to them.  Justin didn't realize that his new menacing appearance was the cause of his sad plight.  (Just when you think you know your friends, eh ?)
While swimming alone one day he saw the mysterious cod again and he thought perhaps the mysterious fish could change him back into a prawn.  He approached the cod and begged to be changed back, and, low and behold, he found himself turned back into a prawn.  With tears of joy in his tiny little eyes Justin swam back to his friends and bought them all a cocktail.

(The punch line does not involve a prawn cocktail - it's much worse).

Looking around the gathering at the reef he realized he couldn't see his old pal.  'Where's Christian?' he asked.
'He's at home, still distraught that his best friend changed sides to the enemy & became a shark', came the reply.
Eager to put things right again and end the mutual pain and torture, he set off to Christian's abode.
 

(Now you're thinking you know what's coming ... ? Bet you don't !! Stay with it, you got this far)

As he opened the coral gate, memories came flooding back.  He banged on the door and shouted, 'It's me, Justin, your old friend, come out and see me again.'
Christian replied, 'No way man, you'll eat me. You're now a shark, the enemy, and I'll not be tricked into being your dinner.'
Justin cried back 'No, I'm not. That was the old me. I've changed.'.........

(Are you ready - take a deep breath .... ?)

'I've found Cod. I'm a Prawn again Christian'  

<Supplied by Lee Walsh>

 

Barry returned from a doctor's visit one day and told his wife Carol that the doctor said he only had 24 hours to live. Wiping away her tears, he asked her to make love with him. Of course she agreed and they made passionate love.
Six hours later, Barry went to her again, and said, 'Darling, now I only have 18 hours left to live. Maybe we could make love again?' Carol agreed and again they made love.
Later, Barry was getting into bed when he realized he now had only eight hours of life left. He touched Carol 's shoulder and said, 'Darling? Please? Just one more time before I die?' She agreed, and then
afterwards she rolled over and fell asleep.
Barry, however, lay there awake and listened to the clock ticking in his head, tossing and turning until he was down to only four more hours. He tapped his wife on the shoulder to wake her up. 'Darling, I only have four hours left! Could we...?'
His wife sat up abruptly, turned to him and said, 'Listen, I'm not trying to be funny, Barry, but I have to get up in the morning - you don't......'

<Supplied by Mark Smit>

 

DUCKS IN HEAVEN!

Three women die together in an accident and go to heaven.  When they get there, St. Peter says,  We only have one rule here in heaven: don't step on the ducks!'

So they enter heaven, and sure enough, there are ducks all over the place. It is almost impossible not to step on a duck, and although they try their best to avoid them,  the first woman accidentally steps on one.

Along comes St. Peter with the ugliest man she ever saw.  St. Peter chains them together and says, 'Your punishment for stepping on a duck is to spend eternity chained to this ugly man!'

The next day, the second woman steps accidentally on a duck and along comes St. Peter, who doesn't miss a thing. With him is another extremely ugly man. He chains them together with the same admonishment as for the first woman.

The third woman has observed all this and, not wanting to be chained for all eternity to an ugly man, is very,  VERY careful where she steps. She manages to go months without stepping on any ducks, but one day St. Peter comes up to her with the most handsome man she has ever laid eyes on... very tall, long eyelashes, muscular.

St. Peter chains them together without saying a word. The happy woman says, 'I wonder what I did to deserve being chained to you for all of eternity?' 

The guy says, 'I don't know about you,  but I stepped on a  duck.
<Supplied by Mark Smit>

 

Hotel Related Incident
A man checks into a hotel in Auckland while on a business trip and was a bit lonely.
He thought of one of those girls you see advertised in phone booths when you're calling for a cab.
He popped into a phone booth in Albert Street near the hotel and found an ad for a girl calling herself Erogonique a lovely girl, bending over in the photo. She had all the right curves in all the right places, beautiful long wavy hair, long graceful legs...... well, you get the picture! He copied the phone number and returned to his hotel.
When back in the room he figures, what the hell, give her a call.
'Hello,' the woman says.
God, she sounded sexy.
'Hi, I hear you give a great massage and I'd like you to come to my room and give me one.. No, wait, I should be straight with you. I'm in town all alone and what I really want is sex. I want it hard, I want it hot, and I want it now. Bring implements, toys, rubber, leather, whips, everything you've got in your bag of tricks.. Tie me up, cover me in chocolate syrup and whipped cream, anything you want! Now, how does that sound?'
She says, 'That sounds fantastic, but you need to press 1 for an outside line.'
It took three hours for him to get the courage to Checkout next morning.

<Supplied by David Wallis>

 

TRAIN TICKET...
Three women and three men are travelling by train to the football game. At the station, the three men each buy a ticket and watch as the three women buy just one ticket.
'How are the three of you going to travel on only one ticket?' asks one of the men.
'Watch and learn,' answers one of the women.
They all board the train. The three men take their respective seats but all three women cram into a toilet together and close the door.
Shortly after the train has departed, the conductor comes around collecting tickets. He knocks on the toilet door and says, 'Ticket, please. The door opens just a crack, and a single arm emerges with a ticket in hand. T he conductor takes it and moves on.
The men see this happen and agree it was quite a clever idea; so, after the game, they decide to do the same thing on the return trip and save some money.
When they get to the station they buy a single ticket for the return trip but see, to their astonishment, that the three women don't buy any ticket at all!!
'How are you going to travel without a ticket?' says one perplexed man.
'Watch and learn,' answer the women.
When they board the train, the three men cram themselves into a toilet, and the three women cram into another toilet just down the way.
Shortly after the train is on its way, one of the e women leaves her toilet and walks over to the toilet in which the men are hiding.
The woman knocks on their door and says, 'Ticket, please.'
I'm still trying to figure out why men ever think they are smarter than women.
<Supplied by Maggie Webb>

 

A man was sunbathing naked at the beach.  For the sake of civility, and to keep it from getting sunburned, he had a hat over his private parts.

A woman walks past and says, snickering, "If you were a gentleman you'd lift your hat."

He raised an eyebrow and replied,  "If you weren't so ugly it would lift itself."
<Supplied by Mark Smit>

 

The deaf bookkeeper


A Mafia Godfather finds out that his bookkeeper has cheated him out of ten million bucks.  His bookkeeper is deaf.  That was the reason he got the job in the first place.  It was assumed that a deaf bookkeeper would not hear anything that he might have to testify about in court.
When the Godfather goes to confront the bookkeeper about his missing $10million, he brings along his attorney, who knows sign language.  The Godfather tells the lawyer, "Ask him where the 10 million bucks he embezzled from me is." The attorney, using sign language, asks the bookkeeper where the money is.
The bookkeeper signs back: "I don't know what you are talking about."
The attorney tells the Godfather: "He says he doesn't know what you're talking about." The Godfather pulls out a pistol, puts it to the bookkeeper's temple and says, "Ask him again!"
The attorney signs to the bookkeeper: "He'll kill you if you don't tell him!"

The bookkeeper signs back: "OK! You win! The money is in a brown briefcase, buried behind the shed in my cousin Enzi's backyard in Queens !"
The Godfather asks the attorney: "Well, what'd he say?"
The attorney replies: "He says you don't have the balls to pull the trigger"

<Supplied by David Wallis>

 

A 3-year-old boy examined his testicles while taking a bath.
'Mom', he asked, 'Are these my brains?'
'Not yet,' she replied.
<Supplied by David Wallis>

 

I met this bloke with a didgeridoo and he was playing Dancing Queen on it. I thought, 'That's Aboriginal.'
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This lorry full of tortoises collided with a van full of terrapins. It was a turtle disaster.
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I told my girlfriend I had a job in a bowling alley. She said 'Tenpin?' I said, 'No, permanent.'
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I went in to a pet shop. I said, 'Can I buy a goldfish?' The guy said, 'Do you want an aquarium?' I said, 'I don't care what star sign it is.'
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I bought some Armageddon cheese today, and it said on the packet. 'Best before End'
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I went to buy a watch, and the man in the shop said 'Analogue.' I said 'No, just a watch.'
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I went into a shop and I said, 'Can someone sell me a kettle.' The bloke said 'Kenwood' I said, 'Where is he then?'
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My mate is in love with two schoolbags. He's bi-satchel.
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I went to the doctor. I said to him 'I'm frightened of lapels.' He said, 'You've got cholera.'
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I met the bloke who invented crosswords today. I can't remember his name, its P something T something R.
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I was reading this book today, The History of Glue. I couldn't put it down.
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I phoned the local ramblers club today, but the bloke who answered just went on and on.
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The recruitment consultant asked me 'What do you think of voluntary work? I said 'I wouldn't do it if you paid me.'
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I was in the jungle and there was this monkey with a tin opener. I said, 'You don't need a tin opener to peel a banana.' He said, 'No, this is for the custard.'
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This policeman came up to me with a pencil and a piece of very thin paper. He said, 'I want you to trace someone for me..'
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I told my mum that I'd opened a theatre. She said, 'Are you having me on?' I said, 'Well I'll give you an audition, but I'm not promising you anything.'
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This cowboy walks in to a German car showroom and he says 'Audi!'
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I fancied a game of darts with my mate. He said, 'Nearest the bull goes first' He went 'Baah' and I went 'Moo' He said 'You're closest'
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I visited the offices of the RSPCA today. It's tiny: you couldn't swing a cat in there.
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I was stealing things in the supermarket today while balanced on the shoulders of a couple of vampires. I was charged with shoplifting on two counts.
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I bought a train ticket to France and the ticket seller said 'Eurostar' I said 'Well I've been on telly but I'm no Dean Martin.
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I phoned the local gym and I asked if they could teach me how to do the splits. He said, 'How flexible are you?' I said, 'I can't make Tuesdays or Thursdays.'
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I went to the local video shop and I said, 'Can I borrow Batman Forever?' He said, 'No, you'll have to bring it back tomorrow'
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A waiter asks a man, 'May I take your order, sir?' 'Yes,' the man replies. 'I'm just wondering, exactly how do you prepare your chickens?' 'Nothing special, sir. We just tell them straight out that they're going to die.'

<Supplied by Maggie Webb>

 

Two fat blokes in a pub, one says to the other: "Your round.”

The other one says: "So are you, you fat bastard"

Two cannibals eating a clown.

One says to the other "Does this taste funny to you?"

Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off.

A blind bloke walks into a shop with a guide dog. He picks the dog up and starts swinging it around his head.  Alarmed, a shop assistant calls out: "Can I help, sir?'

"No thanks," says the blind bloke... "Just looking.'"

'Cos it's strange, isn't it? You stand in the middle of a library and go 'Aaaaaaagghhhh' and everyone just stares at you.  But you do the same thing on an aeroplane, and everyone joins in.

He said: "I'm going to chop off the bottom of one of your trouser legs and put it in a library." I thought 'that's a turn-up for the books.'

And the back of his anorak was leaping up and down, and people were chucking money to him. I said: "Do you earn a living doing that?"

He said: "Yes, this my livelihood."

So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me: "Can you give me a lift?"

I said: "Sure, you look great, the world's your oyster, go for it.'"

You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen, it said 'Parking Fine.' So that was nice."

So I went down my local ice-cream shop, and said: "I want to buy an ice-cream."

He said: "Hundreds and thousands?"

I said: 'We'll start with one."

He said: "Knickerbocker Glory?"

I said: "I do get a certain amount of freedom in these trousers, yes."

I went to Millets and said: "I want to buy a tent."

He said: "To camp?"

I said (butchly): "Sorry, I want to buy a tent."

I said: "I also want to buy a caravan."

He said: "Camper?"

I said: (camp-ly) "Oh make your mind up."

So I went to the dentist. He said: "Say Aaah." I said: "Why?" He said: "My dog's died.'"

Now, most dentist's chairs go up and down, don't they? The one I was in went back and forwards. I thought 'This is unusual'. And the dentist said to me: "Mr Cooper, get out of the filing cabinet.'"

So I got home, and the phone was ringing. I picked it up, and said: "Who's speaking please?"

And a voice said: "You are."

So I rang up my local swimming baths. I said: "Is that the local swimming baths?"

He said: "It depends where you're calling from."

So I rang up a local building firm, I said: "I want a skip outside my house."

He said: "I'm not stopping you."

Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese. And there are 5 people in my family, so it must be one of them. It's either my mum or my dad. Or my older brother Colin. Or my younger brother Ho-Cha-Chu.  But I think it's Colin.

So I was in my car, and I was driving along, and my boss rang up, and he said: "You've been promoted."  And I swerved.  And then he rang up a second time and said: "You've been promoted again."  And I swerved again.  He rang up a third time and said: "You're Managing Director." And I went into a tree.

And a policeman came up and said: "What happened to you?"

And I said: "I careered off the road."

A man walked into the doctors, he said "I've hurt my arm in several places"
The doctor said "well don't go there any more"

I had a ploughman's lunch the other day. He wasn't very happy.

I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any.

I bought some HP sauce the other day. It's costing me 6p a month for the next 2 years.

Two Aerials meet on a roof - fall in love - get married.
The ceremony was rubbish but the Reception was Brilliant.

Man goes to the doc, with a strawberry growing out of his head.
Doc says "I'll give you some cream to put on it."

"Doc, I can't stop singing the green green grass of home."
"That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome. "
"Is it common? "
"It's not unusual."

A guy walks into the psychiatrist wearing only cling film for shorts.
The shrink says, "Well, I can clearly see you're nuts."

A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet.
"My dog's cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him? "
"Well," says the vet, "let's have a look at him"
So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then checks his teeth.
Finally, he says "I'm going to have to put him down."
"What? Because he's cross-eyed? "
"No, because he's really heavy"

Two elephants walk off a cliff...... boom boom!

What's brown and sounds like a bell?
DUNG

What do you call a fish with no eyes?
A fsh.
 

 

Chinese proverbs

Virginity like bubble, one prick, all gone.

Man who run in front of car get tired.

Man who run behind car get exhausted.

Man with hand in pocket feel cocky all day.

Foolish man give wife grand piano, wise man give wife upright organ.

Man who walk through airport turnstile sideways going to Bangkok.

Man with one chopstick go hungry.

Man who scratch ass should not bite fingernails.

Man who eat many prunes get good run for money.

Baseball is wrong: man with four balls cannot walk.

Panties not best thing on earth but next to best thing on earth.

War does not determine who is right, war determine who is left.

Wife who put husband in doghouse soon find him in cat house.

Man who fight with wife all day get no piece at night.

It take many nails to build crib, but one screw to fill it.

Man who drive like hell, bound to get there.

Man who stand on toilet is high on pot.

Man who live in glass house should change clothes in basement.

Man who fish in other man's well often catch crabs.

Man who fart in church sit in own pew.

Crowded elevator smell different to midget.

 

An Arizona cowboy stopped at a local restaurant following a day of drinking and roaming around in Mexico. While sipping his tequila, he noticed a sizzling, scrumptious looking platter being served at the next table. Not only did it look good, the smell was wonderful. He asked the waiter, "What is that you just served?"
The waiter replied, "Ah senor, you have excellent taste! Those are bull's testicles from the bull fight this morning. A delicacy!"
The cowboy, though momentarily daunted, said, "What the heck, I'm on vacation down here! Bring me an order!"
The waiter said, "I am sorry senor. There is only one serving per day because there is only one bull fight each morning. If you come early tomorrow and place your order, we will be sure to save you this delicacy!"
The next morning, the cowboy returned, placed his order, and then that evening he was served the one and only special delicacy of the day.
After a few bites, and inspecting the contents of his platter, he called to the waiter and said, "These are delicious, but they are much, much smaller than the ones I saw you serve yesterday!"
The waiter shrugged his shoulders and replied, "Si, Senor. Sometimes the bull wins."

 

A strikingly handsome young man walked into the office of a Hollywood agent with his resume and portfolio in hand. The agent reviewed the young man’s slim resume and small portfolio with the care that was deserving of his fine young specimen. “You have the very obvious good looks and excellent demeanour of an actor. Tell me, have you had any roles that I might be aware of.”
“Other than the requisite high school and college plays, no sir,” said the handsome young man.
“I dare say I know the reason why, with a name like yours,” said the agent.
“Sir?”
“Your name. Penis Van Lesbian. That’s not a name that will go far in Hollywood. I’d love to represent you, but you’ll have to change your name.”

“Sir,” the handsome young man protested. “The Van Lesbian name was my Father’s, my grandfather’s and his father’s name. We have carried this name for generations and I will not change it for Hollywood or any other reason.”
“If you won’t change your name, I cannot represent you young man.”
“Then I bid you farewell-my name will not change.” With that, Penis Van Lesbian left the agents office never to return.

Five years later...the Hollywood agent returned to his office after lunch with some producers and shuffled through his mail, mostly junk mail, trade journals and the like.  There was one letter.  He opened the envelope and removed the letter.  As he unfolded the fine linen paper, a check dropped from the folds and onto his desk. He looked at the check. It was for 50,000 dollars!
He read the letter:


Dear Sir:
Several years ago, I entered your office determined to become an actor.  You refused to represent me unless I changed my name. I objected, saying the Penis Van Lesbian name had been carried for generations and left your office.  However, upon leaving, I chanced to reconsider my hastiness and after considerable reflection, I decided to heed your advice and endeavoured to change my name.  Now I am a famous actor with many roles and known to millions worldwide.
Having achieved this fame and fortune, it is often that I think back to my meeting with you and your insistence that I change my name. I owe you a debt of gratitude, so please accept this check with my humble thanks,
 
Very Sincerely Yours,
Dick Van Dyke

 

There was a man who really took care of his body.  He lifted weights and jogged six miles every day.  One morning he looked into the mirror admiring his body and noticed that he was suntanned all over, with the exception of his penis.  So he decided to do something about that.  He went to the beach, completely undressed himself, and buried himself in the sand, except for his penis, which he left sticking out of the sand.

A bit later, two little old ladies came strolling along the beach, one using a cane to help her get along.  Upon seeing the thing sticking out of the sand, the lady with the cane began to poke the penis with her cane.  She turned to the other little old lady and said, "There really is no justice in the world."
The other little old lady asked, "What do you mean by that?"
The first little old lady replied, "When I was 20, I was curious about it.  When I was 30, I enjoyed it.  When I was 40, I asked for it.  When I was 50, I paid for it. When I was 60, I prayed for it.  When I was 70, I forgot about it.  Now that I'm 80, the damned things are growing wild, and I'm too old to squat."