Wayne's Blog

Read through my latest blog posts and feel free to comment on them if you like.

 


 

 

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Birth-week!

Posted on 18th April, 2019

It’s been a nice week so far. Jezz took the week off as it’s been my birthday. I’ve had pyjama set, socks, sweets and a jumper from Gary, Kelly, Chris and the boys got me a talking hamster, marshmallow kebab skewer and a beautiful hand-painted rock, Harrison got me Grand Theft Auto 5 for the PS4. Nikki and Caige gave me money and an individual birthday cake, Zoe, Neil and the boys got me a £20 John Lewis voucher, Mother gave me some money and Jezz bought me 2 watch straps, Wireless Airpods and a case for the charging case. Also received cards from Sara and family, Brian, an e-card from Brenda & Bob and a card from Barbara and Mick.

I've been out for meals out too. with Jezz and Nik to a fabulous Chinese restaurant, Tim and his son, Domenic for an Italian lunchtime meal. Ikea restaurant and late breakfast in a cafe with Jezz.

Reflections

Posted on 20th March, 2019

reflectionsI have been keeping myself busy with getting involved in other people's projects and lives. I learn a lot from listening to the problems of the people in my life who I care about. It is a quick fix remedy to the regular feeling I have each and every day. Most recently, my sister's project of a collage photo frame of her grandchildren for her new kitchen has been a joy to work with and see the pleasure that it has given her. Helping Jezz with emails and letter writing hopefully keeps what skills I have up to date. Discussions with my sister about life's goals and the hurdles along the way remind me of not only how lucky I am with my lot but also how it temporarily covers over the cracks of my own insecurity and feeling of worthlessness. I've also been involved with some proof-reading with a book that my friend is writing and again, I am reminded that although limited, I am serving a purpose to others, sometimes.

But with all that taken into account, I still have these heavy bouts of feeling useless. It can manifest with my sitting alone and just wondering: 'what am I waiting for?' 

Another pleasant week

Posted on 9th March, 2019

I've had a fairly pleasant week. On Wednesday, during Jezz's day off, we, along with Harrison went to Ye Olde Red Lion in Cheam. It's a nice pub and the food, service and ambience are all perfect.

Yesterday, Friday, I drove out to Botley Hill Farmhouse in Warlingham and met with Vicki. We had a pub lunch together and a good catch-up.

And breathe...

Posted on 4th March, 2019

Any uncertain feelings and anxiety I had yesterday have been soothed away with kind words from my daughter in two texts but also in the family FaceTime call this evening. I'm so pleased that the tribute video and Father of the Bride speech video worked out ok. I'm relieved that they were received with affection. What has also helped tremendously are the lovely photos that have been sent to me by Debbie and Ethan, but also the ones on Facebook. I've copied a lot of them to my site and the link is here: Kelly and Chris's Wedding Day.

A busy week

Posted on 28th February, 2019

I've been spending a fair bit of time, sat here in front of the Mac, designing two projects with a deadline, collaborating with a dozen others... it's coming together though and I'm pleased with results. More info available after this weekend.

 

Not being at my daughter’s wedding, and with no proper valid reason, is going to be one of my biggest regrets in my life and I’ve just to live with it. I had sufficient notice to prepare and plan. I knew that my fear of flying was going to rule out any option of getting there by plane, but it didn’t rule out the possibility of making a four-hour train journey or sharing the driving with Jezz, if he could have taken the time off from work. As I try to explain the difficulty I have, only one person in my life fully understands, who remains anonymous, as my feelings towards all others, is distant right now.

I have suffered for way too long, the anxiety and panic of travelling. I know I don’t like it and that I don’t cope very well but there’s a part of me that feels if I have to, I must. So, why then, wasn’t something as important as this, one of those times? It has dawned on me that in the last four years of living at my current address, I haven’t spent a single solitary night out, away from home!

Initially, I got by with my daughter’s kind words of empathy… she is aware of my fear of travelling and said that it just didn’t matter and reassured me that the purpose of relocating the venue and bringing the date forward was in order that they would not be having a big wedding, as originally planned for next year. It’s just that as the 4 week’s notice has gone on, more and more I have wanted to still go, despite the distance. I feel so very ashamed that I didn’t make the effort. I sat here, googling train time tables and prices but I’d left it too late. And the prices were so expensive too. I feel that I have let my daughter down.

All the time my not wanting to travel anywhere, until now, has never affected anyone else, with a possible exception of Jezz. He passes each opportunity by, silently knowing that I would reject wanting to go away or be away from home for any length of time. Worse still, I don’t enjoy living here… I hate any noise of any kind and I live constantly fearful of attack or even neighbour dispute. But I am also living in fear of being burgled and that doesn’t help with trying to overcome any anxiety and take the plunge to just get away. I have the same feeling when just venturing out to Morrisons!

I’ve realised that to most these are all just excuses, particularly in the past… and everyone knows that the thought of a noisy family holiday, campsites, caravans or a week by the poolside is just not for me… but this is different. I should’ve been there and I wish it had been more local. I hope that my daughter is genuine when she says she doesn’t mind. The very fact that she or anyone else didn’t make a fuss of my not going… did help me to feel ok about it… but only initially. Right now, I can’t bring myself to look at Facebook and see any of the photos or videos that are likely to have been posted, because of the sheer guilt and shame I am feeling. I just want to run away.

Afternoon at Michele's

Posted on 23rd February, 2019

At Michele'sI went to Michele's for the afternoon yesterday (Friday 22 Feb) and met up with Mother, Sara and Jodie. We had bacon rolls, tea and played games on the iPad. We all had a good laff.

Another good day

Posted on 21st February, 2019

I've had a productive day again, today. I have managed to create the recipe book for the website and it should all be up and running, Wayne's Recipe Book. Also, I've added the social media icons in the footer and they seem to be working too.

Success first time? How come?

Posted on 20th February, 2019

I've had a nice and pleasant day today. I collected my sister's new printer from Waitrose and went round to her's and installed it... no nonsense or incompatibility - the network recognised the wifi printer first time and that was it... off we went, sample printing and scanning. Nik also made bacon rolls and plenty of tea. Had a catch up with Harry the dog and then came home, quite exhausted! 

It's old to see a nice face again!

Posted on 18th February, 2019

First day venturing out since being so poorly. Reckon the antibiotics are doing their job.

Went to my friend's Wendy's with the idea of giving her a hand with her website. I'm not sure I achieved much apart from necking a bowl of red kidney bean soup and two slices of sourdough bread... that was gorgeous! I need the recipe... for the soup, I mean!

Jezz now has what I was having last week. Hmm... that reminds me... air freshener on the shopping list!

I have discovered Richard Hawley on YouTube and have fallen in love with his music. I might treat myself to a couple of albums of his, seeing as I have a little credit in my iTunes account.

A family visit

Posted on 12th February, 2019

Had a busy day yesterday. Jezz is off for a week so we headed to Morrisons, first thing, to get fresh bakery and snacks. Around 11.20, Mother and Sara arrived and Nik turned up minutes later. We all had bacon rolls, tea, doughnuts and a catch-up. They left around 2.15pm.

I experienced a massive panic attack around the time of them leaving. I've no idea why it was so bad. Took a couple of tablets and sat quietly in my room and there was calm, after about an hour.

In the afternoon, Jezz and I watched the movie 'Ferdinand.' It was really good.