A busy week

Posted on 28th February, 2019

I've been spending a fair bit of time, sat here in front of the Mac, designing two projects with a deadline, collaborating with a dozen others... it's coming together though and I'm pleased with results. More info available after this weekend.

 

Not being at my daughter’s wedding, and with no proper valid reason, is going to be one of my biggest regrets in my life and I’ve just to live with it. I had sufficient notice to prepare and plan. I knew my fear of flying was going to rule the option of getting there by plane, but it didn’t rule out the possibility of making a four-hour train journey or sharing the driving with Jezz, if he could have taken the time off from work. As I try to explain the difficulty I have, only one person in my life fully understands, who remains anonymous, as my feelings towards all others, is distant right now.

I have suffered for way too long, the anxiety and panic of travelling. I know I don’t like it and that I don’t cope very well but there’s a part of me that feels if I have to, I must. So, why then, wasn’t something as important as this, one of those times? It has dawned on me that in the last four years of living at my current address, I haven’t spent a single solitary night out, away from home!

Initially, I got by with my daughter’s kind words of empathy… she is aware of my fear of travelling and said that it just didn’t matter ad reassured me that the purpose of relocating venue and bringing the date forward was in order that they would not be having a big wedding, as originally planned for next year. It’s just that as the 4 week’s notice has gone on, more and more I have wanted to still go, despite the distance. I feel so very ashamed that I didn’t make the effort. I sat here, googling train time tables and prices but I’d left it too late. And the prices were so expensive too. I feel that I have let my daughter down.

All the time my not wanting to travel anywhere, until now, has never affected anyone else, with a possible exception of Jezz. He passes each opportunity by, silently knowing that I would reject wanting to go away or be away from home for any length of time. Worse still, I don’t enjoy living here… I hate any noise of any kind and I live constantly fearful of attack or even neighbour dispute. But I am also living in fear of being burgled and that doesn’t help with trying to overcome any anxiety and take the plunge to just get away. I have the same feeling when just venturing out to Morrisons!

I’ve realised that to most these are all just excuses, particularly in the past… and everyone knows that the thought of a noisy family holiday, campsites, caravans or a week by the poolside is just not for me… but this is different. I should’ve been there and I wish it had been more local. I hope that my daughter is genuine when she says she doesn’t mind. The very fact that she or anyone else didn’t make a fuss of my not going… did help me to feel ok about it… but only initially. Right now, I can’t bring myself to look at Facebook and see any of the photos or videos that are likely to have been posted, because of the sheer guilt and shame I am feeling. I just want to run away.

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