XXX-Rated Jokes

The following jokes are offensive. Please DO NOT read any further if you're remotely offended by rude and offensive jokes.


Mick Hucknall has been arrested after being caught shagging a rabbit. A police source said he was holding back the ears and singing bunny's too tight to mention.

<Supplied by Richard>

 

A teacher says: "Ok class. I'd like you all to tell me what you need at home."
Susie says: "We need a computer." Wendy says: "We could with a car."Johnny says: "We don't need anything, Miss." Teacher says: "Oh come on now, Johnny. Everyone needs something."
"No, Miss, my sister came home with her new paki boyfriend and Dad said 'that's all we fucking need.'"

<Supplied by Richard>

 

I entered a blindfolded masturbation competition. Fuck knows where I came.

<Supplied by Richard>

 

Took my wife to the doctors today to sort out her tourettes. Turns out she doesn't have it, I am a cunt and she really does want me to fuck off. <Supplied by Richard>

 

A woman listens in on her 4-year-old playing with his train set. "All those getting off, go on, fuck off. All those getting on, fucking hurry up." So the woman smacks his bum and sends him upstairs until he's learned his lesson. Two hours later the boy comes back down, says sorry to his Mum and carries on playing. Mum listens in. "All those departing thank you for travelling with us and have a good day. All those boarding, please mind the gap and have a safe journey. And all those who are upset by the two-hour delay, blame the fat cunt in the kitchen!"
<Supplied by Richard>

 

I've been to the optician today. He told me that I'm colour blind. I'm really worried now. Some of my mates could be pakis, so if you are... can you delete my number and fuck off! Thanks. 
<Supplied by Vicki>

 

Two men leave Pakistan for the UK. They agree to meet two years later to see who has become the most English. Two years pass and they meet, first one says: "I've got a Beckham shirt, a bulldog and I drink beer. I go fishing and play golf at my local country club. How English have you become?"
The second one replies: "Fuck off you Paki!"

<Supplied by Vicki>

 

A paki got knocked down by a lorry and was killed outside of my house today. I thought: "Wow, that could have been me but then again, I can't drive a lorry!"
<Supplied by Vicki>

 

Homeowners are being warned about three keys that can open 73% of doors, 84% of cars and 92% of padlocks. They are dar-keys, pak-keys and pi-keys!
<Supplied by Vicki>

 

A little girls walks into her parent's bedroom. "Holy fuck!" she screams, "and you want me to see a doctor about sucking my thumb!"
<Supplied by Melanie>

 

Jack and Jill went up the hill so Jack could lick Jill's fanny
Jack got a shock and a mouthful of cock cause Jill's a pre-op tranny!
<Supplied by Melanie>