Here are some fun and/or inspiring quotes and phrases.


"Don't better my lines"


"I don't start arguments... I end them!"


"I was born at least 300 years too early"


"If you would only concentrate on liking me for who I am, you might spend less time disliking me for what I am!"


"Parts of my body are telling me 'I'm up for it' but other parts are saying: 'you're not up to it!'


"Deadwood is also known as drift-wood, you only hold on to it 'til a rescue comes along... until then, you're only drifting!"


"It's nice out..."

"Yes, it is... I'm thinking of getting mine out too!"


"I take men as they come!"


"Big knob is ok, only if you have one, not if you are one!"


"There's only two kinds of Homophobe: those that wish they were gay and those that wished they hadn't!"


"Sometimes, in a heated debate, amongst all the arguing and shouting, remaining poised, composed and saying nothing, can be most deafening."



I remember always having to tell my workmate, Lizzie, who was way more camp than any gay guy I know... that each time I had arranged to meet someone for a shag... I had to let her know, for security purposes... and I'd phone her and say:
Oh, Lizzie... I've got another one tonight. She'd say: "Where darling... where does he live?"
"Erm... Kensington," I replied.
She said: "Kensington... that's marvellous... oh how wonderful darling..."
And I suddenly remembered and interrupted and said: "Oh no... hang on Liz,... not Kensington... Kennington!"
"OH... Oh my dear!" was her response.

On one of my many escapades of PC support and troubleshooting, I was standing over the shoulder of a dear friend's mother, who through a simple act of kindness, should remain anonymous. I instructed her to take hold of the mouse upon which she immediately reached for it and picked it up, into the air. I said: "No, put it down." She replied: "Oh make up your mind!"

During a morning's registration call at a day release college course that I was attending, the tutor had a bizarre way of reading out the names on the register. He would simply say the first initial of the first name and then the surname. This was all going rather well until he got to our mate Trevor Jones... he called: "T Jones?" To which, Dave Barrett, sitting next to me, shouted: "No coffee please!" - Comic genius moment there!

Pete, Jezz and I decide to stop off for a quick pint in the pub under the Croydon flyover (The Royal Standard). It was a hot Summer's day so we sat outside on a bench. A few moments later, one of the chaps drinking inside (who presumably saw us at the bar) came and stood in the doorway and looked at us. The man, with an extremely strong Irish accent, said: "Are you three guys?" We sat confused for a moment, and then Pete answered by asking: "are we three guys?" He said: "No. Are you three guys?" After checking the question two more times, we established that he was asking: "are you three gays?" To which we replied: "Yes, we're all tree guys!"
Better still, after we finished and went back to the car, with the windows down and sunroof open, I started the engine and the music blasted out, continuing from where it left off and everyone, including the Irish guy, heard us pulling away, all singing along loudly to "You Think You're A Man" by Divine. Oh dear... what a gay day!

Dad always had a habit of doubling up on his meanings. His most notable was the phrase "I nearly did a little drop then," referring to almost urinating himself from such expulsion after a coughing fit. However, he would often recall stories from his days in the army. The alternative phrase for parachuting was to 'do a drop' - and each time he told the story of 'doing a drop over Africa,' our minds were awash with confusion and hysteria.

Waiting in a queue, inside of the shop at a local petrol station, I noticed that 'Jet,' the name of the petrol station, had changed their logo and motif. I noticed it on the t-shirt of the Indian gentleman serving behind the counter. And written underneath the logo, in a slanted italic way, was the word 'Smile'. I also observed at the same time, that not once did he in fact, smile, as he served the customers waiting ahead of me. So, when it was my turn at the front of the queue, he served me in the same manner and before I passed over my credit card or revealed which pump number I had used, I said: "Is that written on your t-shirt so that you don't have to!" I paid for my petrol and walked past a queue of people all laughing into next week! Jezz had observed everything from waiting in the car and interrogated me with why everyone was laughing in the queue. Another comic genius moment there, I boast!


I went to meet Vicki for lunch who worked at the National Driving Centre. One of her work colleagues was Roy, who at the time, didn't seem too fond of me or my sexuality. During the lunchtime period, while there were about 15 trainee HGV drivers in the office, I walked in to collect Vick and drive us both to the Harvest Home pub for lunch. I heard Ray say loudly: "Oi oi, watch out... Wayne's here. Backs against the wall lads!" He thought this would be funny for him and embarrassing for me. However, completely un-phased and slicing through the chortling of laughter from everyone, I said: "Roy... as a gay man, I take it up the arse and therefore, should it not be 'fronts' against the wall, lads?"
I curtsy politely at the standing ovation, applause and belly laughter of the trainee drivers and escort Vicki out of the porta-cabin on my arm.

Whilst working on the checkout in a local Tesco supermarket at the tender age of 18, I overheard the lady of the couple who's shopping I am putting through the checkout: "'Ere.. that's the one... bent as a nine-bob note, that one!" I continue processing her shopping, appearing to have not noticed her vitriol. I announce the total of her groceries and take her money. I calmly close the drawer of the till look up and politely exclaim: "...and your nine-bob change... thank you!"

Vicki owned a Vauxhall Chevette and let's just say, it wasn't in the most gorgeous condition. It looked, from the inside, as though she had used it as a dustbin. She was driving and we were heading for the Harvest Home, pub local to where we worked and we were having lunch together. She parked in the car park and we got out. She looked over the roof of the car at me and said: "Did you lock it?"
I asked: "Why? Are you worried that somebody's gonna throw more stuff in!?"

Whilst working as a chauffeur for an American stretch limo firm, I had this job of taking three married couples to the Epsom Country Club and then doing the return journey. I was about ten minutes late picking them up from the club as my previous job had run over and this had flustered me greatly! Once in the car, I thought I'd put the central locking on. When I pulled up outside the first couple's home in Epsom, I opened my driver's door and flicked the switch for the central locking so that the back doors would be unlocked when I got to them. I got out of the car and shut my door. Where I hadn't locked it in the first place, I suddenly had locked all doors. I discovered this when I went to do my chauffeur's bit at one of the back doors. The windows were tinted black and I could not see in, but I knew they could see out. I didn't panic and thought I only need to go and flick the switch again. For some reason, the driver's door stayed locked! Then I panicked. I went back to the back of the car and signalled for them to unlock the door... they didn't understand at first and suddenly the back door opened. They were all laughing until I explained to the remaining couples that I needed to climb through the chauffeur's divide to flick the central locking switch. The laughter quickly resumed when my arse was hanging out of the chauffeur's divide as I could hardly reach for the switch. I did in the end. Needless to say, I didn't get a tip from that job.

I worked with Barbara in a reception area and we had a desk each. I invented this game that we would take it in turns when answering a phone call, to say a particular word that we would choose for each other. It was more effective to decide or reveal the word as the phone rang. Barbara would choose words for me like 'window' or 'cup' but one time, in the middle of playing the game, the phone rang... it was Barbara's turn. She asked me: "Quick Wayne... what's my word?" Still, to this day, I don't know where it came from but I said: "Teradactyl." How she incorporated that word into a phone call involving a driving instructor placing an order, is pure genius.
She started by asking him how the weather was and after his reply, she said: "Yes, it's a little overcast here too. I'm expecting a herd of Teradactyl to come flying over at any moment!" 



The best way to get over a man is to get under another.
Denise Van Outen (I don't know who said it originally).


Hatred can be overcome only by love.


Be the change you want to see in the world.


Each one has to find his peace from within. And peace to be real must be unaffected by outside circumstances.
Mahatma Gandhi


Cherish each hour of this day for it can never return.
Og Mandino, an American author


And how unusual to serve Spaghetti Bolognese, without the taste.
Aunty Edna, (Barry Humphries)


When my first wife lost her credit card, I didn't report it because whoever found it was spending less than she was.
Warren Buffet, an American business magnate, investor, and philanthropist


Being male is a matter of birth. Being a man is a matter of age. But being a gentleman is a matter of choice.
Vin Diesel, an American actor


I don't care if you're black, white, straight, bisexual, gay, lesbian, rich or poor. If you're nice to me, I'll be nice to you.
Eminem, an American rapper, songwriter, record producer, record executive and actor


Courage is what it takes to stand up and speak; courage is also what it takes to sit down and listen.
Winston S. Churchill, former British Prime Minister 


Gay sex is literally twice as manly as straight sex.



Homosexuality is found in over 450 species. Homophobia is only found in one.



There’s a big difference between knowing your shit and knowing you’re shit.

Mr Francot


“Let’s eat Grandma!”
“Let’s eat, Grandma!”
Punctuation saves lives.

Hannah Barness


If I could be half the person my dog is, I'd be twice the human I am.



Put it on a pizza and I'll eat it!

A gaydar profile next to the question, favourite food


I've learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel.
Maya Angelou


Here is some food for thought... We should place the elderly in prisons. They will get a shower a day, video surveillance in case of problems, three meals a day, access to a library, computer, TV, gym, doctors on-site, free medication if needed. 

Put criminals in nursing homes. They have cold meals, lights off at 7pm, two showers a week, live in a smaller room and pay rent at £4,000 a month!!! It's pretty sad that we treat prisoners better than the elderly.


Don't make excuses for nasty people. You can't put a flower in an asshole and call it a vase.


You see a person's true colours when you are no longer beneficial to their life.


I might wake up early and go running. I also might wake up and win the lottery. The odds are about the same.


If I wanted to listen to an asshole... I'd fart!


Grammer is important. Capital letters are the difference between "helping your Uncle Jack off a horse" and "helping your uncle jack off a horse."


If you say 'gullible' slowly, it sounds like 'oranges'.



Welcome to Amsterdam. When it's hot please dress for the body you have, not the body you want, thanks.


The best way to avoid disappointment is not to expect anything from anyone.


When you arise in the morning, think of what a precious privilege it is to be alive - to breathe, to think, to enjoy, to love.
Marcus Aurelius


An entire sea of water can't sink a ship unless it gets inside the ship. Similarly, the negativity of the world can't put you down unless you allow it to get inside you.


Deep in my heart I know I am a loner. I have tried to blend in with the world and be sociable, but the more people I meet the more disappointed I am, so I've learned to enjoy myself, my family and a few good friends.
Steven Aitchison


Be nice or fuck off!
At the bottom of a Grindr profile



Essentials to a successful partnership start with honesty. From honesty, trust will develop automatically. From trust, love will blossom. So honesty, trust and then love... without any of those three essentials, you'll never have the bond that determines a life-long partnership... with anyone or anything.


I've always held the door open for the next person to walk in or out of the door I've just used... gay people, elderly men and women, black and white folk and even children... but I will always tell them off if they don't say thank you.

Only ever nice - if you are fortunate enough to outlive your friends; then they will have lived their lives knowing that you were only ever nice.
If you are unfortunate and your friends have outlived you; then you leave a memory to everyone that you were only ever nice.

I always make a point of checking the person behind me in the supermarket queue to see if they only have two or three items and if they do, offer for them to go before me. I then comment that it's my good deed for the day and that now I've carried it out; I can return to being a miserable old git now!

I have more respect for the elderly than any other member of the human race.

I insist on starting any conversation with a smile and a pleasant greeting... that way, if it goes downhill or pear-shaped, it was the other person's fault.

I gave up one of my favourite pastimes of singing indoors or playing music loudly purely to retain the respect I receive from neighbours about good neighbourly conduct and appreciating other people's peace and quiet. It also allows you an element of expectations and respect back.

Teach someone with their hands on... not yours. I believe that a more successful way to teach someone how to move around a computer screen and how to perform tasks is to give them the controls from the start and use only your eyes and a kind tone in your voice. They will also retain what they have learned by being hands-on. 


Keep love separate from finance, keep finance as business and not let it merge in to love! If you lend money to a loved one, keep it business... no matter how well you know them or how long you've known them. A breakdown in a financial arrangement is a nuisance and inconvenient... letting a loved-one off from repaying you will only ever result in resentment, possibly damaging the relationship. Keep it a business arrangement and write it down too, both signing an agreement (unless you're so loaded, then it doesn't matter).

Everyone, look after the elderly... and keep it going! You'll see what I mean, in time!