Wayne's Blog

I've been spending a lot of time with Jezz over the last few days while he takes a week off from work. On Wednesday (10th July), we shared the driving to Derby and stayed at a hotel and bar called The Cow in a beautiful picturesque village named Dalbury Lees. The place was amazing and very luxurious. We had our evening meal there too. After breakfast the following morning Thursday (11th July), we set off for a day at Alton Towers Resort. We went on many of the rides before I gave up after running out of energy and being completely exhausted. It involved a lot of walking from one ride to the next.  We ended by having a hot dog a foot long each and then a trip to the gift shop where I bought my biggest mug yet.

Today, Friday (12th July) we both spent the day relaxing but Jezz drove us to Botley Hill Farmhouse in Warlingham where we had lunch together. It was a really nice day.

As I mentioned, I've been spending time with Jezz a lot and I've realised how much I depend on him, love him and enjoy being with him. He really is my number one.

Monday 8 July 2019

Jezz and I went to get our hair cuts early in the morning so that we could head off to Brighton and be there early. Halfway there we stopped off for a quick loo break and a hot sausage roll. We arrived in Brighton around 10.30am and headed for the restaurant bar where we went last time. The waiter, Maté was there and we had a good catch up with him. Jezz and I shared a chicken, BLT sandwich with hand-cut chips and we also shared a chicken liver pate platter with more chips! We started with a lager and a cider and I finished with a pot of tea. We then took a stroll around the lanes, not looking for anything in particular. I bought a couple of badges and coasters. We then dropped stuff back at the car and walked over to the Pier. We played on the arcade machines and won a couple of prizes. I bought some rock and we used the machine that flattens and embosses one penny. It pressed an image of the Pier onto the penny and it cost a pound to do it. With another drop back at the car, we then headed to the Dorset Bar and had a drink and another rest. We then went looking for somewhere to have dinner. We found a Chinese restaurant in the lanes called Gars. It was expensive but lovely. Across the restaurant on another table was Chris Eubank Jr. I really wanted to get a selfie but didn't have the balls to ask and sort of didn't want to disturb him.

We headed home and got in around 9.30pm.

DIABETES

I had my usual blood tests done at the clinic in readiness for my 6-monthly consultation. I don't know why but asked to have an HAb1c done and the result came back a week later. It was 85. I notified the diabetic clinic at my GP surgery and they asked for it to be repeated. Again, I had arranged for this to be timed with my annual checkup with the diabetes nurse. The result was 75 and there had been a gap of weeks from one result to the other. While the diabetic nurse was pleased with the dramatic reduction, it was agreed and decided that I should have a secondary tablet added to the pill regime.

I'd been doing daily morning finger prick tests and measuring the glucose levels. They were as high as 16.4 and as low as 5.0 but the general average was 9.3 after the scare of the first HAbc1 being 85. I went cold turkey with everything sugar related, chocolate, sweets and cakes were out. The spike may have been as a result of having cut up fruit salad in the mornings for breakfast. I hadn't known that it was way too much for a diabetic.

I've been on the new drug for a few days now and the finger prick test readings are dropping but fluctuating between 7.0 and 9.0 at the moment. 

I'm certainly having to take it a lot more seriously now whereas before I was merrily carrying on as each year the diabetic nurse would say: 'whatever you're doing, carry on.' So while I've cut out sugars and treats, I will have the very occasional Magnum ice cream or cake. I've started buying the sugar-free biscuits so if I get a crazy craving, I sneak one of those in with a cup of tea.

I'm being reviewed in three months time to see if the medication and food habits have worked.

PASSPORT

I'm entirely sure why but I thought I would get my expired passport renewed. I've been having thoughts about Jezz not going away anywhere and it's certainly not because he doesn't want to. I felt that if he couldn't go with certain people because they couldn't make it, for one reason or another, then he'd not go. I also realised that he'd always have me go with him and I decided, as I'm not getting any younger, that it should be me he goes with. For now, the idea of a short break away feels manageable and I'll entertain the idea now. Before I was way too afraid but a little bit of me is thinking if I am going to meet my end in a plane, then at least he'll be with me!

ANXIETY

Anxiety levels have been up and down a lot recently. I worry still and cannot stop it. At best, during the panic, I realised that it's unfounded but I still resort to medication when it's needed. I do know the trigger points and I fear that I may be as comfortable as I'm ever going to get.

I've been keeping busy doing some artwork for someone's wedding invitation and renewing the clinic website from scratch.

Since my last post, I think I've got my friendship with Gary back on track. I went for lunch with him yesterday and should be seeing him again later in the week.

I made an appointment to meet with the new housing officer in her office. It was nice to put a face to a name and introduce myself a little less formally. We've been communicating via email and I felt that our correspondence was a little too official so a friendly and informal meet was all that was needed and we ended by saying that we were both pleased to have met one another.

My beautiful daughter graduated this week and got her diploma in Safety and Health.  So proud.

Last weekend, Jezz treated me to a HomePod. He already had one and that caused a few teething problems initially but it's all working and up and running now. It's great fun and works with Siri so instantly. Beforehand, relying on my iPhone's response when calling Siri was a bit hit and miss but now, turning on and off lights and other commands are extremely responsive.

Also, at the weekend he bought two new upright oscillating fans, one for each of our rooms. It was a timely purchase as the hot weather is just starting and it's getting very humid and muggy, inside as well as outside!

A lot has happened in the last month and some of which I prefer not to make public. Those, near and dear are aware and I guess that's all that matters, for now!

I have been suffering from back pain that has limited my mobility and I've stayed home most of the time since my last blog. Fearing that the pain was not alleviating, I decided to go and see my chiropractor. She has eased and massaged some of the pain and I feel slightly more comfortable. This has been a major break for me as this is the first that I have been able to sit for this length of time, at the Mac.

My friendship with CB still feels very prickly, which could be as a result of him being a prick! LOL. Not really... just a joke. I'm not sure that we'll be back on track at all and I'm confused by his wanting to keep in touch. I enjoy talking to him and yet if there is no resolution and we are not able to get back to where we once were, then this contact feels cruel.

I have spent much time thinking about my dear friend David. I miss our daily rants and putting the world to rights style FaceTime conversations. I miss him, terribly!

Jezz and I have been appreciating the times we have together more, of late. Even if only watching a movie together more often, life seems generally as though we are more appreciative of one another.

It’s been a nice week so far. Jezz took the week off as it’s been my birthday. I’ve had pyjama set, socks, sweets and a jumper from Gary, Kelly, Chris and the boys got me a talking hamster, marshmallow kebab skewer and a beautiful hand-painted rock, Harrison got me Grand Theft Auto 5 for the PS4. Nikki and Caige gave me money and an individual birthday cake, Zoe, Neil and the boys got me a £20 John Lewis voucher, Mother gave me some money and Jezz bought me 2 watch straps, Wireless Airpods and a case for the charging case. Also received cards from Sara and family, Brian, an e-card from Brenda & Bob and a card from Barbara and Mick.

I've been out for meals out too. with Jezz and Nik to a fabulous Chinese restaurant, Tim and his son, Domenic for an Italian lunchtime meal. Ikea restaurant and late breakfast in a cafe with Jezz.

I have been keeping myself busy with getting involved in other people's projects and lives. I learn a lot from listening to the problems of the people in my life who I care about. It is a quick fix remedy to the regular feeling I have each and every day. Most recently, my sister's project of a collage photo frame of her grandchildren for her new kitchen has been a joy to work with and see the pleasure that it has given her. Helping Jezz with emails and letter writing hopefully keeps what skills I have up to date. Discussions with my sister about life's goals and the hurdles along the way remind me of not only how lucky I am with my lot but also how it temporarily covers over the cracks of my own insecurity and feeling of worthlessness. I've also been involved with some proof-reading with a book that my friend is writing and again, I am reminded that although limited, I am serving a purpose to others, sometimes.

But with all that taken into account, I still have these heavy bouts of feeling useless. It can manifest with my sitting alone and just wondering: 'what am I waiting for?' 

I've had a fairly pleasant week. On Wednesday, during Jezz's day off, we, along with Harrison went to Ye Olde Red Lion in Cheam. It's a nice pub and the food, service and ambience are all perfect.

Yesterday, Friday, I drove out to Botley Hill Farmhouse in Warlingham and met with Vicki. We had a pub lunch together and a good catch-up.

Any uncertain feelings and anxiety I had yesterday have been soothed away with kind words from my daughter in two texts but also in the family FaceTime call this evening. I'm so pleased that the tribute video and Father of the Bride speech video worked out ok. I'm relieved that they were received with affection. What has also helped tremendously are the lovely photos that have been sent to me by Debbie and Ethan, but also the ones on Facebook. I've copied a lot of them to my site and the link is here: Kelly and Chris's Wedding Day.

I've been spending a fair bit of time, sat here in front of the Mac, designing two projects with a deadline, collaborating with a dozen others... it's coming together though and I'm pleased with results. More info available after this weekend.

Not being at my daughter’s wedding, and with no proper valid reason, is going to be one of my biggest regrets in my life and I’ve just to live with it. I had sufficient notice to prepare and plan. I knew that my fear of flying was going to rule out any option of getting there by plane, but it didn’t rule out the possibility of making a four-hour train journey or sharing the driving with Jezz, if he could have taken the time off from work. As I try to explain the difficulty I have, only one person in my life fully understands, who remains anonymous, as my feelings towards all others, is distant right now.

I have suffered for way too long, the anxiety and panic of travelling. I know I don’t like it and that I don’t cope very well but there’s a part of me that feels if I have to, I must. So, why then, wasn’t something as important as this, one of those times? It has dawned on me that in the last four years of living at my current address, I haven’t spent a single solitary night out, away from home!

Initially, I got by with my daughter’s kind words of empathy… she is aware of my fear of travelling and said that it just didn’t matter and reassured me that the purpose of relocating the venue and bringing the date forward was in order that they would not be having a big wedding, as originally planned for next year. It’s just that as the 4 week’s notice has gone on, more and more I have wanted to still go, despite the distance. I feel so very ashamed that I didn’t make the effort. I sat here, googling train time tables and prices but I’d left it too late. And the prices were so expensive too. I feel that I have let my daughter down.

All the time my not wanting to travel anywhere, until now, has never affected anyone else, with a possible exception of Jezz. He passes each opportunity by, silently knowing that I would reject wanting to go away or be away from home for any length of time. Worse still, I don’t enjoy living here… I hate any noise of any kind and I live constantly fearful of attack or even neighbour dispute. But I am also living in fear of being burgled and that doesn’t help with trying to overcome any anxiety and take the plunge to just get away. I have the same feeling when just venturing out to Morrisons!

I’ve realised that to most these are all just excuses, particularly in the past… and everyone knows that the thought of a noisy family holiday, campsites, caravans or a week by the poolside is just not for me… but this is different. I should’ve been there and I wish it had been more local. I hope that my daughter is genuine when she says she doesn’t mind. The very fact that she or anyone else didn’t make a fuss of my not going… did help me to feel ok about it… but only initially. Right now, I can’t bring myself to look at Facebook and see any of the photos or videos that are likely to have been posted, because of the sheer guilt and shame I am feeling. I just want to run away.