A bit fed up

Posted on 2nd September, 2019

It gets a bit samey. Each day with little or nothing to look forward to. The pains in my legs have returned without explanation. I want to go back to the gym... it's paid for 'til July next year... what is the matter with me?

I have a horrible dilemma that has been in my life for some time now. I last experienced something like it with a previous relationship. There are moments of happiness and excitement and it's a pleasurable time in the company of somebody you think is as appreciative of your company as much as you are of there's. Then there are times when it is manageable but a challenge and there are really bad downtimes when you reflect if it is all worthwhile. Hurtful comments that hit when you've asked for it, typically as a comeback in an exchange of put-downs and insults I feel I am able to cope with. When they are made without provocation and completely unexpected, the hurt takes on a whole new set of symptoms. Someone in your life that you are fond of can call you names and you can return the friendly fire without too much damage either side but an insult, either uncalled for or unexpected can re-shape my general and global mindset of the person. I start to reevaluate whether pleasure is derived for them to be unnecessarily unkind or if there is any validity in their post-explanation when they say they are only doing it for my own good or I was just thinking of you.

One thing I am learning as I get older is my tolerance for nonsense, excuses, lack of consideration, abuse and being taking advantage of is reducing dramatically and noticeably. With this particular issue, I am conscience that I am stalling and shelving the problem until I find the strength to throw in the towel. I have reached a stage where I can see to compare the benefits with the disadvantages of having this level of hurt in my life but loneliness and uncertainty, not related to this person, kicks in and I ceasefire until the dust settles.

I am reminded that my importance in this person's life is insignificant, that there is no fondness freely admitted if only to serve as a means of reassurance that it's all a worthwhile effort.

I find myself making a sufficient effort to keep in touch, let them know that I think of them and care about them and for me, it is not about having that same level of care reciprocated because we all show that we care in different measures and completely different ways... but you do need a small and simple sign of recognition every now and again to reaffirm that your love is needed or wanted.

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